


Together

by AnnieTarcza



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Returns, F/M, Love Triangles, Multi, Possessive Bucky Barnes, Possessive Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sexual Content, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Tension, Steve Rogers Feels, Undercover Missions, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wakanda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-07-16 02:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7247821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieTarcza/pseuds/AnnieTarcza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Civil War // Steve/OC/Bucky</p><p>After the events of Civil War, Bucky decided it was safer to go back to cryostasis, so no one can activate the Winter Soldier again, even if it means he has to leave behind his lover, hoping she can start a new life as a part of Steve Rogers's new team of fugitive superheroes. No one thought she would get more than Cap's help and protection.</p><p> </p><p>" - I tried resisting it, I tried to push it down, it just drove me crazy. And I understand if you are not interested, if you are stronger than this, but I just had to get this off my chest.</p><p> - I thought I was stronger - I started off, my voice a little groggy from the pent up crying in my throat. - Obviously, I’m not. I’m not above this and as you said it, no matter what I do I will not be able to silence these feelings - he raised his eyebrows in interest. - I just don’t know how to deal with this, when I am also clearly still very much in love with James. How would it be fair to either one of you to love the other?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. History

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! :)

_“It’s over, I’m okay. I’m in cryostasis now, it’s safer this way, please don’t look for me. Find Steve Rogers, join his team, move on._  
_I love you,  
_ _B.”_

I was standing outside the abandoned factory building holding his card in my hands trying to gain some courage to enter by reading this 2 lines over and over.  
The tears still welled in my eyes as I looked at his not so pretty handwriting and I heard him rushingly say the words in my head. I physically couldn’t handle him being gone. I kept remembering when I last saw him in Bucharest where we hid out together for 3 months. We were parting ways at the market, he went to buy fruit for a pie I wanted to bake. I watched him touch and probe apples before he placed them into a plastic bag and unknowing I turned away to be on my way to the grocery shop. We agreed to meet at home when we finished, but as I reached the building I already knew. The police and Special Forces were everywhere, yellow tape line covering half the block.

He called me later from Leipzig, but since I was still on the run from Romania he only left a message on my voicemail, telling me about HYDRA still controlling him, and other soldiers of the winter, saving the world and I already knew I will never see him again. And then a few days ago, I got this note. He posted it from Moscow on a postcard, the address I was currently standing in front of scribed on it by someone else’s handwriting, I assumed Rogers himself.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to join anything or anyone just yet, I just wanted to know what happened to my Soldier.  
\- Want to come in, Miss? – a voice asked quietly from the door I didn’t notice opening. A tall blonde man stood in the way with his arms crossed in front of his broad chest in a simple gray t-shirt and cotton sweatpants. Not the outfit I expected from any superhero.  
\- Not sure. I am looking for my partner’s friend – I answered plainly, though I was pretty sure I was talking to said friend. James didn’t talk much about him, but when he did I knew he had a strong bond with him.  
\- Who is your partner? – he asked knowingly.  
\- James Barnes. He sent me a postcard with this address.  
\- So you received it after all – he stepped out to the street seeing I have no intention to go in with him. Yet.  
\- I did. – I nodded sternly. Every time I thought about it I felt the sour taste of anger gathering in my mouth. He didn’t even say goodbye properly. He sent a postcard knowing I will only receive it when all is done, helpless about it.  
\- You are not pleased with his decision, I take – he said in an understanding tone. – It’s not easy, I know.  
\- How would you? – I snapped tiredly. I am not sure if it was his patronizing tone or the sting of him being with him in the end and not me that made me lash out. – You had the chance to say goodbye to him. I gave him a peck on the cheek thinking I would see him again in an hour and now he’s gone!  
\- Come inside – he said calmly. He wasn’t stupid to get into a fight with me when I was clearly too hurt to be reasoned with.  
\- Will you tell me what really happened? – I stepped forward.  
\- Yes – he nodded and opened the door for me.

 

We sat in a small, but cozy kitchen, opening the third round of beers as I was listening to his story of my soldier killing Tony Stark’s parents and Zemo showing actual footage of the case to them which ended in Tony fighting the both of them. They escaped and rescued the team.  
“He said he needs peace. He needs to be locked away, frozen back into a dreamless sleep until they can reprogram him or more like deprogram him. And as I see it that won’t be anytime soon since Tony still didn’t call me, Banner is missing and I don’t know anyone more qualified than them I would trust with his treatment” he sighed ending the story.  
\- Where is he now? - I asked.  
\- Somewhere safe - he looked at me knowingly. James must have told him not to tell me so I won’t be looking for him. - In peace.  
\- You were with him...? - I asked, my voice cracking from the tears I tried to hold back. To think he went back into that… state voluntarily, being alone, lonely, frozen through time.  
\- Till the end of the line - he said gently taking and squeezing my hand. As I looked up on his face I saw his eyes were wet too. He got his bottle with the other hand retracting the one he held mine with and took a long gulp of the ale. I did the same.

\- So… How did you two meet? – he asked abruptly, forcing a smile on his handsome face. - He had no time to tell me more about you. He just said you were a real doll, saved his life.  
\- Well, he never told me he thought I was a doll – I chuckled to myself, though he often used words like this. Words from another century, another life. My smile faded away as I launched into our history. – We met a few years ago. I was barely out of college, I studied psychology and bioengineering in which I was considered quite good at and my father was a powerful HYDRA member – Steve raised an eyebrow. - , so I was high enough in their ranks to get my share of information about upcoming projects. I remember the very first time I heard about Project Insight. I was torn between excitement over thinking that protecting the world from extraterrestrial threats was a possibility now, but also horrified of the aspect of using the same technology to destroy innocent thousands. At the time things that not yet happened seemed unstoppable because all the small details were already set in motion and that terrified me the most.  
\- You knew about it before? – he asked in shock. I nodded but continued on.  
\- My father wanted me to take over his place one day in HYDRA, but for that, he needed me to prove worthy among the other members. He told me a mentally modified and unstable soldier would be involved in the execution of The Plan and he needs me to fix him up a bit after his years in a cryostasis chamber, meaning monitor his state and make adjustments deemed fit according to today’s technology.  
So I got a lab, I got a frozen killing machine and a team to work with. It was more than 2 years before the plan was actually set into motion, so I got plenty of time to estimate the efficiency of the Winter Soldier, who I was ordered to simply call Soldier. Also to speak only in Russian to him. My Russian was terrible at the time, but we conducted the first set of tests without any problem. First tests meaning medical checkups, shooting tests, fitness, hand-to-hand combat, reflexes, it was a normal entry examination we would have done with any other soldier joining Special Forces.  
My team also worked on fixing up his arm and updating the tech they used to reset his mind, but secretly I was working on sabotaging that very machine. I wanted to plant memories into his mind that survived any kind of wiping method. At the time, I thought about making him sabotage the whole mission by gathering intel about the big dogs up there and eliminating them.  
\- And why didn’t you?  
\- Because I didn’t think I would fall for the Soldier in the meantime – I smiled to myself stopping for a second to take a swig of my beer.  
\- Have you ever stood outside a beast’s cage, a lion’s for say and just wished you could touch them? That’s how I felt about him at the beginning. Intrigued by his being, excited to explore his mind, how he worked, what he was. I knew he could snap anytime and break my neck in a second if he wants to, but it made it all the more exhilarating. I was a stupid little girl, whose daddy bought a tiger for her as a pet; I wanted to know if it will bite my hand off or purr if I caressed its stripes. – It was difficult to pour the story into words for Steve and only in doing so I realized that I was actually telling it for the very first time to anyone.  
\- What did you do?  
\- Do you really want to hear it? You will think I’m a terrible person – I warned him.  
\- My best friend killed thousands under HYDRA’s control, did you make him do it? - he asked with a serious face.  
\- No. But I was supposed to help them do it.  
\- Just continue - he said encouragingly.  
\- Alright - I complied gathering my thoughts - I had private time scheduled with the Soldier when I was supposed to tend to his mental health and stability after each memory wipe, you see, so I decided to start at the very beginning.– Steve listened to me closely and my cheeks burned up from the confession I was about to make. – I ordered him to undress to briefs and I did the same, then I asked him to touch me – the captain leaned back on his seat crossing his arms, furrowing his brows. – I don’t mean there! – I corrected myself immediately. – We just sat there and I traced my fingers around his many scars, his face, I combed them through his hair, it was all very innocent. I just wanted him to relax, to get comfortable with me and with a mentally unstable person I had no other way to achieve that. In the meanwhile, I guided his hand to touch me too, my scars, my neck, my skin, my hair. He wasn’t used to be touched so gently, he was used to be hit and punched and kicked around all the time so his brain shut it all out and when he was caressed and handled so tenderly he started to come to his senses again.  
It was all heartbreaking, watching him gain back some of his lost humanity but I knew I had to be willing to go deep and go all the way into this kind of therapy to make it work. So every day I would teach him where my heart was beating, where I had a mark of a childhood accident, run my fingers along the seam of his skin and bionic arm, then I gradually stopped giving orders on our sessions, started talking in English to him, tell him stories about myself, asking him sometimes, but he rarely remembered anything at all about his own person. He would come straight from the memory suppressing machine to sit across me in silence for minutes, then stand up and cross the room to toss his shirt on the floor and put my hand on his shoulder, asking me to start the session. Other times I asked if he knew where my old scar was and he would remember and show me. Later he came directly to me and wrapped himself in my arms, slipping his hand under my blouse just to touch my bare skin. I became his comfort in the terrible things they’ve been doing to him.  
Strangely enough, he only acted like this when I was around, his eyes actively following me in a crowded medical room, from his cell as I walked by it; but he was still oblivious otherwise, just like before. He seemed to be stabilized in this state.  
It went too far by the time I realized I was running out of time to execute anyone let alone let my Soldier face any kind of danger to do so. I thought it would be enough if I rid the plan of its executioner and run away with him.  
\- You failed – Steve stated the obvious, getting one more beer open after I declined.  
\- I did. 6 months before Project Insight launched a committee was sent to observe our work. They would ask who was working the most around him and my supervisor said my name. One of the men ordered him to start the memory suppressing. When the Soldier came to again, the man pointed at me and ordered him to kill me.  
He grabbed me by the neck with his metal hand, I can still feel its icy touch around it, and squeezed hard. I could only open my mouth and call out to him “Soldier!” and he let me go. I fell to the floor and he stepped over to the committee taking the man giving the order and snapped his spine in one swift motion. – The blond man’s mouth was hanging open in shock. - I can still hear the loud crack, the thud of the body on the floor, the others shouting around, barking orders, seeing them strap him back into the machine and wiping him over and over again. I couldn’t stop them, they threw me into a cell too and for the next 3 months to come they only dragged me out for tests time after time. And by tests I mean the times they stood me next to one of my teammates in front of him and give out the order to kill either of us. I am still alive. They couldn’t make him hurt me, but he wasn’t there anymore, he wouldn’t look at me anymore, he didn’t decide intentionally to kill the other person, it was his subconscious remembering me. I sobbed every single time, begging him to resist them.  
Then one night when I heard his steps outside as he was taken back to his cell, I called out to him again, in Russian, in English, I begged for him to remember me. I am not sure which one triggered his brain, but I heard struggle and then he was breaking the door, grabbing my hand and dragging me through the corridors, out to a snow dusted forest, running under the trees barefooted, not knowing where we were running, we just needed to get far. We both heard them coming after us, both knew who they were really coming for and who they will shoot on the spot. He suddenly stopped, folding me into his arms for a quick second, nuzzling his nose into my dirty hair, then pushed me away and told me to run and I did. He stayed behind to save me – My tears started to fall. – In a few hours I reached a small town, broke into a store, took some clothes, hair dye, money and took a room in the motel. The next morning I hopped on a bus, then a plane and didn’t stop until Stockholm – I wrapped it up, smearing my tears away on my face.  
\- Project Insight commenced as planned in 2014 – I looked up on the face of the captain, but couldn’t guess how he was feeling about me anymore. - , but it seems my actions had weakened the effect of the suppressing machine enough for you to trigger his brain into remembering some of his previous life. Several months after I saw on the news what happened at Triskelion, a man showed up at my house. I noticed he followed me to work, to the grocery shop, to the gym, he even stood on the pavement in front of my house at night. I thought he was a HYDRA agent sent to capture me or worse, to kill me. Then he just disappeared.  
A few days later I got home after a long day and the man was waiting for me in the dark in my kitchen; I tried to escape, to fight him, but he was stronger than me, he pushed me to the floor easily, straddling me to keep me from moving. I thought I was going to die there, then he said my name: Dr. Denham, and removed his hood for me to see his face. It was the Soldier. It was James – I corrected quickly. – It took me some time to process that he is alive and he came to see me, that he remembered me at all, but he started to ramble about how he met you on a bridge, how he saved you from drowning, what he remembered about Zola and his hand. He went on about visiting the Museum to discover his real name was James Buchanan Barnes and that he was your best friend. As my surprise faded and I gained back my composure, he spiraled into panic, something he must have done many times before he came to see me. I had to sedate him just so he would let me hold him and he clung to me like I was the last thing keeping him sane. And I have to say I was. – I sighed remembering those months. - I was his therapist and his therapy in one person. He hurt me too a bunch of times when he got too deep into guilt, he had nightmares that he woke from while suffocating me, other days he tried to take his own life to end it all, but we got through it. We both went mad at times, it was taking its toll on me too to try to keep him in control. We had to move from Stockholm when he killed three guys on the open street just because they looked “hostile” to him.  
We lived a year in Budapest after that. He started to calm down then, the guilt had eaten him up and spat him out to his anxiety to take over. He was terrified of being used again, of hurting me or anyone at all. This was the time we started to really fall in love, comfort each other, trying to do what normal people do: we went on big walks in the city, we dined in restaurants, went to the movies. He had flashbacks of not so significant things like a date with a girl called Penny ending with a kiss, a dance with Pauline, a movie he saw with you when you were young, the war, you being Captain America, having drinks after a mission. I really thought he was getting better, that we can fight his past and build a future together.  
We moved to Bucharest just weeks before the explosion in Vienna. He said he knew of a safe house there and since we were running out of money it seemed like a good idea to rob a bank and skip town from Hungary to Romania and start fresh. He was finally stable, he even told me how he felt about me, that he loved me – I wiped my eyes without use. – That he wanted to make me an honest woman – I chuckled swallowing tears. – He… he just wanted to live – I choked out sobbing. Steve moved closer and pulled me into his arms and I let go of all breaks and just cried my heart out.

Honestly, I had never felt more helpless than I did in that moment in America’s greatest hero’s arms, crying over my lost love. Everything I planned for the future had crumbled around me leaving me on a track that led nowhere, into nothing. I could only think of getting him back, finding a way to fix him. I had resources, I had connections, hell, I was a scientist myself, I wanted to believe I was up for the challenge, but I wanted him by my side, I needed him to be there.  
\- He still loves you and he is alive, that’s what is important right now – Steve said gently stroking my back. – We are going to get him back.  
\- How? – I pulled back from him, wiping my tears away.  
\- I am not sure just yet, but I know that we can do it. I mean you and us, together – he offered.  
\- I am not sure I want to stay – I said looking at him hesitantly.  
\- It’s okay, I won’t push you if you don’t want to – he nodded standing up and cleaning up the empty beer bottles. – But you are more than welcome to stay as long as you feel comfortable leaving.  
\- I will think about it – I promised standing up. – I am just not sure I want to get back into this life after so much time spent in hiding and trying to forget what it was like.  
\- And you don’t have to – he smiled. – Take as much time you need, we can always spare a room for you – he motioned for me to follow him down the corridor, leading me to a small room. It was really no big thing, just a bed with the sheets and bedding folded into a neat little stack on it, a dresser and a desk by the small window.  
\- It isn’t much, I know… - he started, but I cut him off.  
\- It’s perfect – I tossed my duffle bag at the end of the bed, smiling at him gratefully. – No distractions, just what I need. Thank you, Captain Rogers.  
\- Call me Steve, you are practically family – he warned with a grin.  
\- I wouldn’t go that far – I laughed, though I wished it would be true.  
\- Good night…  
\- Kate – I helped him out.  
\- Kate - he repeated it with a shy smile.  
\- Good night, Steve.  
He closed the door behind him and I made the bed, changed into a clean t-shirt and lay down. I was thinking about whether I should stay here with them or go on my own trying to find the solution for James’s situation. I missed him terribly but dozed off thinking he was at least safe and sound somewhere far from HYDRA. Not scared and not running from his past anymore, so maybe neither should I.


	2. Beginnings

\- Keep your hands up – Natasha barked at me as I tried to keep my stance and fend off her kicks and punches with moderate success. – Your feet!

\- I thought I was… - I started but she cut me off with a blow to my stomach. - … a guest here – I choked out trying to breathe so the pain would go away.

\- Well, you were the one who said she wanted to get better – she smirked at me, while curling her leg around my waist and pushing me to the floor. I landed with a blunt thud and a not so ladylike groan. It was hard to breathe and even harder to try and get on my feet, just so she can put me down over and over again.

\- I’m not a bloody supersoldier – I panted getting back into a stance. - or a trained assassin or any of what all you people are, I just wanted to feel less awkward and odd – I circled my shoulders a bit, while she drank some water and came closer - , but now I see this only makes it more obvious that I am not fit for survival.

\- Come on – she called in a much friendlier tone. – Neither of us was born like this – she motioned over her figure which was, in fact, a very enviable one. – We had our fair share of pain to go through to get here – She kicked at me, but I averted it successfully. – Just like you will – she said punching toward my face.

\- Oh, finally something exciting, a catfight! – Clint shouted cheerfully from the door of the little training area, making me turn back to greet him and landing a rather painful kick in my left thigh from Natasha. I fell on my knees swearing. – Oh, did I interrupt someone’s concentration? – he grinned at me.

\- Not at all – I said gritting my teeth. – Just giving Natasha here a little extra confidence and a healthy amount of color to my skin in the process. How are the kids?

\- Fine – he shrugged. – They are missing their Auntie Natasha though – he smiled at my redhead torturer.

\- Well they can have her, I am done for today – I massaged my aching thigh, being 1000% sure that I will have a nice little color-changing bruise to remember that final kick she gave me.

\- Don’t be such a girl – she patted my shoulder.

\- Too late – I shrugged and she chuckled while helping me up from the mat.

\- What’s for dinner? – she asked turning to Clint.

\- Don’t know, but Wanda’s cooking, so it can’t be that bad.

\- I am not sure I am hungry just yet – I got my water bottle and sweatshirt from the floor. Natasha gave me a knowing look.

\- They don’t bite, you know.

\- Well, I was HYDRA, how do you know that I won’t bite.

\- You can barely hit me – she teased. – It’s just dinner.

\- Maybe tomorrow – I declined again politely. - Then I am sure I won’t be able to run away due to the severe damage you’ve caused to my leg – I added with a weak smile.

 

I had no problem being around the members of the team individually, I just felt a bit intimidated by them when I was with them as a team. I knew it was my fault, not theirs, but I wasn’t ready to be around their “big, happy family” of enhanced humans. They were heroes, I was a villain. At least I kind of used to be. I was damaged goods in multiple aspects of the word and in the process of adapting to this new situation of being without him, not running anymore, but for that, I needed my alone time and to keep busy in equal parts, concentrate on myself without trying to fit into a new group of friends.

By day I usually helped around the “base” as I called it, trained with Nat or Wanda, occasionally even with Steve to keep myself distracted but also to better myself in combat. I had a strong feeling that I will need to be able to protect myself in the future, so I didn’t mind getting my ass kicked by them. 

When not refreshing my fighting skills from my early HYDRA training, I often went out to read academic papers on the subject of mind control and memory manipulation, instinctive programming in the library or to hack into corporate databases from their public network. Nat was also a great help with decoding HYDRA and SHIELD reports and studies, though it was a very thin stream of information in my particular interest, most stuff we found about the Winter Soldier was fragments of his different missions which didn’t really help me to let go of the past. But other than that I had more and more about James and his curious condition day by day. Steve helped a lot too by showing me the stuff he dug up about him while he was looking for him after Triskelion.

At nights, I got myself some food before or after the gang had their dinner, sat down to my desk and I organized the collected data and tried to figure out what way to go further. How should I continue on from here? I have information now, I still have a strong belief that James’s brain can be fixed, I just have no idea how. I really didn’t want to use the method the team I worked with figured out before Project Insight. I was not sure if any volume of electricity would be enough to disable some part of his brain without making major damage to it since they didn’t control him with some type of device implanted into his head. So what else? I wondered if it was really a program in his head, or just a programmed instinct to react to the words? Did they use some kind of drug too to get so deep into his mind?

Did they beat him into compliance or did they electrocute him? Or did they already have that brainwashing hypnosis back then, that I heard of recently?

After Project Insight failed SHIELD and HYDRA equally suffered the consequences: both organizations fell apart, divided into smaller fractions sometimes even fighting each other for dominance and resources. Some had the information that I was cut off by my father, some didn’t, so, fortunately, I was able to peek through the cracks into the past missions and projects, though I haven’t acquired yet the original files about Sergeant Barnes’s capture and brainwashing that I wanted most of all, since that would solve my main dilemma. I also was very interested in the red book which I saw on the footage of Zemo and James’s time in Berlin when Zemo pretended to be a psychiatrist and reset the Soldier using mere words. I believed that the book must contain many details of his training and maybe even his early times in the service of the Soviet Union.

But to get that book, I needed to delve into much deeper waters with much bigger sharks, than I ever had before. And however hard I tried to deny it, I knew I couldn’t do it alone. First, I would need to hack the CIA’s database to see if they have a digital copy made of the Red Book. If they do, I have to steal it from their system, but it is much more likely that they didn’t make a digital copy because it is highly dangerous to keep anything confidential digitalized these days.

And then comes the real mission impossible: finding out where they are keeping the original, break into that most likely heavily guarded facility and get it. It was most definitely not a one-man job, but I couldn’t expect any former Avengers to go rogue for my sake and I most definitely couldn’t trick some remnant HYDRA fraction into doing the job for me. It would be irresponsible and stupid to let anyone even remotely related to them get close to that book again. Who knows what kind of hell could break loose if something went south.

I knew only one person who I was sure would do anything and everything necessary to help me out: Steve.

Steve was indeed a very helpful guy, sometimes overly so. He came to check on me several times during the day, he accompanied me to the library a few times, saying he wants to borrow some books to read in his free time. He liked to tell me stories about the time James and he spent together before and during the war. He was nice, and oftentimes I found myself comparing him to James, noticing small similarities in how they acted. Steve had the same intonation when correcting me or telling a joke as his friend did and he swore exactly like him too when something unexpected happened, though Steve always apologized immediately which was not James’s strong suit. 

And in a few weeks I started to notice how my gaze lingered longer on his muscular arm, when he lifted the boxes of case files in the small storage room, or his bottom, when he bent down to tie his shoelaces during one of our training sessions, how I bit my lower lip when I saw him shirtless for the first time. I was only human, a woman who lost her man recently, so I told myself it was a very natural and normal reaction to a handsome, striking man, but tried to keep a healthy distance from him ever since I made this realization, which didn’t bother him much. He was cool, I was cool, we were cool. 

Up until this point. I really didn’t want to go on a mission with him. Alone. Just the two us. It was weird enough that he is the best friend of my man and still makes my skin tingle when he flashes his perfect smile, but if we go on a mission together we are bound to bond and that may hold unforeseeable consequences. With physical attraction I can deal, with a mental connection I may not. But I need his help.

So I took a deep breath, told myself to suck it up and started for the corridor. Falcon and Wanda were still up watching TV, but Steve was nowhere to be seen, so I went to his room and knocked.

\- Come in - he called out and I entered praying to get this over with quickly. 

\- Hi, Steve, sorry to disturb - I started out, as he closed the book he was reading and put it on his nightstand and stood up from his bed. He looked at me with a curious expression, his eyes meeting mine openly and encouragingly. 

\- It’s okay, I was just reading, soon I may accompany you to the library again - he smiled. - What do I owe the pleasure?

\- Well, I am starting to feel that I did my digging and found some things that could help me to go even further, only these things seem to be in the possession of either some HYDRA fraction or the CIA. I need help to access them to continue the work.

\- I don’t think it’s a good idea, Kate - he started out gently shaking his head. - Bucky wouldn’t want you to delve deeper into this, let alone confront any organization because of him.

\- Well, he is not here to tell me what he wants, but I will make sure he can share his opinion after I’m done and he is back - I answered scornfully. - And anyway, you had to know that sooner or later we will reach this point in the research, so I don’t understand why you tell me to stop now.

\- You are right, it was wrong of me to let you come even this far - his expression darkened as he stepped forward. - I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have led you on the impression that we will cure him. I wanted you to let go of this on your own, calming your conscience with finding out everything you can and accept the fact that we need to wait until we can really help him.

\- I can help him, Steve - I forced myself to keep calm, though I was feeling quite betrayed by him. -, I know I can, I just need the Red Book, the one, Zemo got from the Russians. And I won’t be waiting around till Stark works out that he’s an idiot, comes to find you and hug it out. And even if he does, he will never help James, he killed his parents! No matter how you are brothers in arms and how many times you save the world together, Stark won’t help him. And Banner… Banner is more unstable than James is, how could he help to fix this? - I raised my voice. I was so angry at him for giving up before we even had a chance to try.

\- Kate, you are being irrational. You need to calm down and think about this, you have to put aside your pride and your feelings and really look at this as the scientist you are and …

\- I am looking at you as a scientist right now and see a coward - I spat starting for my room. - I wanted to ask for your help, but I see now that it really is better if I do this myself. 

\- Kate, don’t be stupid - he yelled rushing after me.

\- No, I was stupid when I believed you would do anything to get him back! - I headed back towards the living room on the corridor.

\- Kate, stop - he grabbed my arm, and I saw Wanda and Sam spring onto their feet from the sofa hearing his strained voice. - I would, and I would even wait until they can really fix him not just try to and mess him up even more!

\- Well, this may sound strange to you, but I don’t have seventy years or so to wait around to see him again and who said I want to do anything to him just yet? I just want to find out absolutely everything about his condition before I declare that he can’t be saved. And I will, with or without you Steve - I lowered my voice again under the stare of the pair in the room. 

He looked me in the eyes so sternly I could hardly bear holding his stare, but he didn’t say a word.

\- Now let me go - I finally pulled my arm from his grip. - I will be gone by noon tomorrow, so you won’t have to worry about me anymore - I said coldly then turned around and walked back to my room, to start packing up. My anger faded quickly, but I was badly hurt and very disappointed. Later when I was browsing through the files in the storage room to find the ones I would take with me I thought to myself that it was better this way. I found out what his agenda was just in time to know we weren’t on the same page about James, and it was fine, really. He had time, I didn’t. I was selfish maybe, but he most definitely wasn’t the man he led me to believe he was.

By the time the sun came up I packed up all my personal belongings and a box containing most of my research. I didn’t sleep much but wasn’t tired at all. I was fired up by the thought of a new beginning and before I entered the kitchen, I looked around carefully trying to avoid running into Steve.

\- You can come in, he’s not here - Natasha called from the coffee machine, just loading it to brew some for herself. 

\- Thank God he’s still asleep - I said carefully. - I just wanted to take some water for the road.

\- He went out after your fight, didn’t come back ever since - she replied with a casual tone.

\- Well, I hope he’s okay, but it’s better this way - I shrugged.

\- You don’t have to go, you know. He will come around - she said quietly sipping into the hot liquid, while I grabbed some bottles from the cupboard.

\- I am willing to take the steps necessary to get James back as soon as possible, he is obviously not. I don’t blame him, I can’t ask anyone to jump into this if they don’t commit to it 100%. 

\- He just doesn’t want to get hurt - she explained. - and doesn’t want you to get hurt either by getting your hopes up and slowly lose your mind when you fail.

This made me think a little. I knew it was risky and will be a physical and emotional drain, that it can take years and years and still there is no guarantee that it will work, but I had to try, I had to give it all I got, because even if I will never see him again, he has to know that I never failed him.

\- Well, I am willing to take the risk - I finally said heading back to my room, but her words stayed with me. I could see why Steve was hesitant, he had friends, a life here, he had his reputation to protect, he couldn’t just break the rules for one person. I knew James was important to him, but he had a lot of other important things in his life to take into account. For me it was only my Soldier, mine was maybe an easy choice over his. 

I was just folding the sheets up into the neat little stack, as I found them when he showed up at my door. I straightened up and looked at him unsure of what to say. His face was grim, it was maybe the first time that I saw him this serious. He extended his hand to me, in which he held a transparent plastic bag with a red band stating “CONFIDENTIAL”. There was something torn and worn-out red fabric in it with a black star on it. 

I took it and it only took a second look for me to realize what it was: the Red Book. My mouth hanging open I looked up to the blond man, trying to find the words for my surprise.  
\- No one calls me a coward, not even you - he said, then turned around and left me standing there, speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still looking for a beta reader and dying for some comments. Kudos will do too.


	3. Girls' Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Wanda gets Kate to take a break from her research and gives some friendly advise over tea. Nat accidentally shares a secret and a pleasant girl's night ensues.

Russian was never my strong suit, so trying to decode something Russian was even worse.  
The Red Book was a literal nightmare to translate, the first day I only flipped through the pages to look at the drawings and symbols. There were a few illustrations of the cryostasis chambers' tech and some chemical formulas they used to sedate the Soldier if he became erratic. There were another good bunch of notes and entries about his temper and different missions. I also found the words that activate him after a dormant period. How easy it was to just say the words and wipe him, to take control over another person. It made me wonder why HYDRA didn’t have the Book before Project Insight, this method would have been much less harmful, than electrocuting him time after time.  
It also made me think that if the person saying the words gets in control of him, would it solve our problem if we made him read them aloud one last time, so he can be in charge of himself? Or would it make him forget everything about James Barnes for good and leave us with the much bigger problem of him being uncontrollable? It sounded too easy to think it was the first case.  
And at these twists and turns, Steve’s words rang into my head. There is a good chance we mess him up even more if we are not sure of what we are doing first.  
On the other hand as a scientist, I knew that you can only know if the pudding is good if you taste it. And there is no other pudding like this Soldier to taste and probe instead of him. But without trying we can never be sure of what to do. It was an infinite cycle of doom.  
I spent almost 2 weeks by only decoding the texts, then I could start analyzing it in deeper detail. There was no mention of deactivation anywhere. I ran it through UV light and X-Ray and a whole lot of other tests, but there were no more secrets in the secret book.  
So I read it again, and again and again until I would know parts of it by heart. Like how the process of activating him precisely went, how long he can be active before he destabilizes, or what they fed him with. How they constantly repaired his arm, how it evolved, how his weaponry was changed over time.  
There was rarely any mention of his mental state or the methods they used to suppress his memories. Unfortunately, the book wasn’t old enough either to contain information about Zola’s experiments, the first entry was written in the late seventies. Maybe before that they used another one, still missing.

\- How’s it going? - Wanda asked from the door of my room. I tried to be a more social, so I left it open now when I worked, so anyone could talk to me if they wanted to.  
\- Well, not too good. I thought this will be the key - I motioned over the book on the right side of my desk, which was full of papers, files, photos and empty coffee cups. - But it is only the key to controlling him. I don’t want to control him.  
\- Yes, you do - she said amused.  
\- No, I don’t? - I furrowed my brows not understanding.  
\- Yes, you want to bring him back, don’t you? If you wouldn’t want to control him, you would accept that he wants to be left alone - she cocked her head to one side. Her tone wasn’t judging, not even offensive, she just stated facts. - You want to bring him back so you could tell him to get better, to keep fighting, to keep running.  
\- I’m selfish, I know that, but I want him to be happy. I want him to live, not hide away frozen in ice. I can make him happy.  
\- How do you know that he isn’t happy now? You confuse what he needs with what you think he is supposed to need.  
\- I want him to have both. I want him to have everything in the world after what they have done to him.  
\- What do you think, what does he want you to have?  
The question sounded like something I would ask a patient, but I went along and answered.  
\- The same? I think he wants me to be happy too.  
\- Is this making you happy? - she motioned around us.  
\- No - I replied without thinking. - But it…  
\- You just said it, Kate - she smiled widely at me, but I just felt my face go numb. - It doesn’t make you happy, so why do you think he would want you to do this? He told Steve not to tell you where he is, he told you not to look for him. What are you doing then?  
\- He is my happy - I stuttered. - I need him, I need to fix him.  
\- No, you don’t - she took my hand, squatting down in front of me. She was so young, yet so powerful, so wise. I just couldn’t imagine where she got it all from.  
\- Did Steve tell you to try and convince me to give up? - I asked fighting my tears once again. I started to think everyone in here wanted me to cry.  
\- No, he didn’t, but he thinks about you a lot, he doesn’t want you to do this to yourself, no one wants you to - she squeezed my hand a little. - And I don’t want you to give up, I just want you to see, that there is no reason for you to bury yourself into this, you should live a little. Those papers and clues and answers you are looking for won’t go anywhere if you just stop for a while and breathe or do something else.  
\- But what? I can’t just go out and travel the world or buy a place somewhere and start a new life without him.  
\- That’s not what I mean either - she shook her head in disbelief. - I talk about little things, Kate. For example, you could help me more with concentration. It really helped me a lot when you meditated with me or we did that target shooting stuff the other day. Clint even said I should consider therapy after that accident in Nigeria but I had no one to talk to before who knows this stuff - she cast her eyes downwards. I knew it was a soft spot for her, Nat told me about what happened before the Sokovian Accords. - You could help us without giving up finding a solution for Bucky.  
A moment of silence fell between us as I considered her words. She was right, I had to admit that, but I was still afraid to get involved with the team. It was also very true that I haven’t stopped working on the research since I got here and I was most likely looking like someone going nuts from the outside. Letting myself relax a bit more was most definitely in order and anyway, I liked to help Wanda a lot. It helped me focus on myself too.  
\- Well, it wouldn’t hurt to try… - I smiled at her. - And I am very curious about your abilities too, so it could be my little side project to observe them.  
\- No more research! - she yelled at me laughing, pushing my shoulder playfully.  
\- Alright, no more research. What do you say we have coffee and just… chat? - I offered.  
\- I would like that - she stood up. - I am more of a tea person, though.  
\- Me too, I just said coffee because everyone drinks coffee here - I said as we walked out of the room together starting towards the kitchen on the corridor.  
\- Apparently not everyone - she shrugged and arriving at the cupboard she got the pot and some filters to start the tea, giving a smile to Steve, who was sitting at the dining table reading some newspaper. He looked up and smiled softly at me, his full lips curling upwards making me melt. Fortunately, he wasn’t cross with me for long after he delivered the Book to me.

 

\- What are you reading? - Wanda asked while we were still staring into each other’s eyes, breaking the moment.  
\- Nothing special, just the news - Steve turned to her and I stepped next to her to grab some cups. - What are you two up to?  
\- Some friendly chit-chatting over a cup of tea - Wanda grinning mischievously. - I think I finally dragged her out of her shell.  
\- I’m glad to hear it.  
\- Do you want some tea too? - I asked sheepishly standing in front of the open cupboard.  
\- Sure, why not? - he looked at me again. I’ve never felt clumsier than when I got that mug for him. I just felt his eyes on my back and my skin started to tingle again and I felt sweaty and cold at the same time. It was the strangest feeling, but I managed not to drop anything and Wanda was pouring the warm beverage in a moment to save us from more awkward conversation and soon we were off to sit in the living room.  
\- You two… - Wanda sighed shaking her head. - Get a room already.  
\- What?  
\- You know I can read minds, right?  
\- I thought you respect privacy among friends.  
\- Well, it’s quite obvious without that too - she declared. - Nat told me you were all kinds of weird around him, so I just took a peek, but he likes you too. What I don’t understand is that 10 minutes ago you were almost crying over Bucky and the next moment you melt away from one look from Cap.  
\- I don’t want to! - I cried helplessly, but quickly lowered my voice fearing Steve may hear us. - He just does things to me… He’s so damn handsome.  
\- I give him that, but he’s like hundred years old - she frowned.  
\- You say it like Bucky isn’t.  
\- Alright, you have a thing for the super soldier serum and old people, then - she chuckled. - But it won’t solve your situation.  
\- I don’t have a situation - I tried to deny it.  
\- You have a crush on your man’s best friend, admit it - she crossed her arms trying to stare me into a confession.  
\- I don’t want to?  
\- It makes it easier to face it if you admit it, Dr. Denham - she mocked me on her best psychiatrist voice.  
\- Alright, Dr. Maximoff - I took a deep breath. -, I have a crush on bloody Captain America. Are you happy now? - I stated dramatically, and she started laughing.  
\- Finally - a voice said behind my back, and my heart skipped a beat. - It was starting to creep everyone out the way you two tiptoe around each other - Nat sighed tiredly, but smirking anyway, stepping forward to join us. - But Clint owes me 10 bucks now.  
\- Did you know?  
\- Darling, Steve may be blind to the signs, but that doesn’t mean we all are. The way you ogled his abs the other night when he was coming out of the bathroom. You swallowed so hard Bucky must have heard it in Wakanda - she chuckled softly, at first not realizing what she just said.  
\- Wakanda? Is he in Wakanda? - I almost spilled my tea over myself as I straightened up.  
\- No, I said, “Ain’t he Wanda?” - she tried to twist her words, but it was too late and too obvious. I felt a kind of panic like I wanted to run to him, right now, but at the same time, I knew I shouldn’t. What difference does it make really to know where he is, when I have no means to bring him back, to cure him?  
\- Hell, you did - I hailed her off, but seeing her impression I added on a more gentle tone. - Don’t worry, I won’t pack up and run to find him.  
\- Why not? - Steve asked suddenly leaning against the wall behind us.  
\- Do all of you people like to sneak up on others just to scare the living soul out of them? - I cried out annoyed but answered. - There’s no use, you said it yourself. I’m helpless about him. For now at least and he is in peace, safe. No one would look for him there.  
\- I’m happy to hear you finally admit it, Kate - he nodded approvingly.  
\- You mean…? - Wanda started, but I cut her off with a look.  
\- I am not a sassy, unpredictable teenager, Steve, I am not dumb. I always knew I can’t just go and unfreeze him without a second thought - I turned back to him. - Nothing is changed.  
\- As you wish, I’m just glad you took this so well, Nat shouldn’t have let this one slip - he gave a look to the redhead, then turned back towards the kitchen. - I’ll leave you ladies to whatever you were talking about now - he said cheerfully, but as he was leaving, he looked back at me over his shoulder and a sly little glint in his eye told me he knew too damn well what we were talking about before he interrupted.  
I turned to Wanda.  
\- He knows - she answered before I could even ask the question. - He’s totally into you.  
\- Too bad I have no intention to encourage him to act on it - I sipped into my tea again.  
\- Who says he needs encouragement to take action? - Nat asked chuckling.  
\- He finds you more than attractive, smart, you get on with his friends quite well - Wanda reasoned. - He will kiss you by midnight, Cinderella.  
\- Would you both please stop teasing me? - I laughed shaking my head in disbelief. - Steve is a grown man, Bucky is his best friend, I think that I am a loyal person, so is Steve, therefore there is no way that this little crush could survive and that’s the end of it - I explained. - Now can we talk about nail polish or explosives or whatever you people usually talk about?  
\- We usually just talk about how ridiculously awkward you and Steve are - Nat shrugged. - But we can talk about nail polish, I suppose.  
\- You are right, we should stop teasing you about this. Sooner or later you will see it anyway that we were right. - Wanda agreed, then sat next to me and reached for my brown tresses. - You could maybe tell us about what you do to your hair, that it looks this good.  
\- Nothing? - I frowned. - My hair's a mess half the time, and in the other half it’s probably in a ponytail.  
\- But how do you keep it wavy like this?  
\- Years and years of professional low chignons did their job? - Nat sat on my other side.  
\- Actually, I think so - I replied slowly. - Nothing makes a more natural waviness then a good bun.  
Fortunately the conversation followed a similar set of topics after this and we rarely even mentioned Steve or any kind of love interest of any of us, aside from sparing a few words on Steve’s new no-shave policy, which suited him quite well as well as growing his hair longer now. He was less like America’s true hero now, but I thought it fit him quite nicely to get a little grungier, to finally try and find his true self after years of thriving to be the perfect example for soldiers and operatives worldwide.  
By nightfall we decided it was time to switch tea for wine and simple chatting to watching a movie. We decided on watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, which I found hilarious.  
\- I wonder if these tricks would work on Steve - I muttered, as we slowly started to fall asleep on the sofa from the sedative mix of exhaustion and alcohol.  
\- To make him fall in love with you or to lose him? - Wanda yawned.  
\- What do you think?  
\- Well, honestly I can’t really decide what you want anymore, Kate - Nat replied groggily.  
I stayed silent. I wasn’t sure either. As I drifted off I thought about his gorgeous eyes with that look he gave me before. I was torn between guilt and excitement. Thinking Captain America actually had feelings for me didn’t entirely left me cold, but deep down I knew I have to resist him.

Little did I know that I was up for a challenge.


	4. Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mild sexual content and swearing, if you don't like any of these, please proceed with caution.

I was entering the small apartment with Him on my side, his hand already reaching for me as the door closed behind us, pushing me to the wall. He held my gaze like a predator, staring me into submission under his touch as he quickly pulled down the straps of my dress, so it slid down on me and pooled at my feet. I wasn’t wearing any underwear beneath, he liked that, his lips spread into a sly smirk before attaching my neck. I reached for his shirt, my fingers fiddling with the buttons, the buckle of his belt, desperate to feel him skin to skin.

His hands slid down my torso, touching and squeezing on their way, finally one stopping at my breast and the other holding me at the small of my back. His lips tentatively found mine, nibbling on my lower lip, asking for entrance and I opened up readily to tangle my tongue with his, to taste him. We kissed breathlessly as my fingers sank into his hair, tugging, and his found their way to my heated center making me arch into him even more.

 - I want you bad, baby - he murmured leaning against the wall with his extended left arm, working magic on me with his right hand massaging my clit round and round in maddening circles, gazing my naked body up and down, his eyes filling with lust.

\- Take me then - I moaned breathlessly arching my back off the wall, desperate to get closer to him.

\- Do you really want me to? - he asked coyly.

\- I do - I choked out nodding furiously, as he sank a finger into my depths, almost instantly finding the spot to drive me crazy.

\- For some reason I thought you would want him to take you more - He looked over to the right, where Steve stood in the darkness, his tall figure illuminated by the pale moonlight. He stepped closer and placed one of his hands on my thigh, caressing my skin up my sides, down on my chest, brushing his thumb over my hardened nipple, making me shudder. I had to force myself to look back at James again.

He studied my face but didn’t stop his torturous ministrations for a second as Steve leaned closer to pepper my shoulder and neck with kisses and nibbles. It was almost impossible to think about anything but the panic of having them in the same room, and James, having James back again.

\- Come on now, doll, you can tell me if you want Steve more - he cooed reassuringly.

\- No - I moaned as he curled his finger inside of me. - I want you, James, I want _you_.

\- That’s my girl, never yielding to torture - he whispered proudly, kissing me gently on the lips. As we parted, he turned me to Steve by my chin, who surprisingly wasn’t hurt about what I just said, his face was still relaxed and in his eyes I saw the familiar infinite understanding and welcoming warmness. Then he kissed me, but how different a kiss it was, to have his lips against mine, his tongue carefully exploring my mouth, teeth clashing together in our eagerness. I lost myself, dissolving completely in the pleasures they were giving me and my panic faded quickly as I got comfortable surrounded by their hands and lips and bodies, leaving my worries of choosing either one of them over the other behind.

 

Even if it only lasted for a second, I felt weightless and free.

 

Then I woke up. Smell of coffee and toast, people talking nearby and the brightness of the morning tore apart the dream of my Soldier and left me with a sour taste in my mouth returning to the world without him. Realizing that I had a sex dream involving Steve made it even worse.

I felt the heavy knot of guilt in my stomach again and a pang of self-hatred as I got up from the couch I fell asleep on last night and headed to the kitchen to get something to numb the feeling. I was so tired of this, I felt useless and helpless and doing nothing just gave me even more opportunity to think about how I am failing the man I love and to fall for Steve. I couldn’t let myself do that anymore, I needed to be distracted.

\- Good morning, Kate - Sam greeted me with a smile. - Slept well?

\- Morning - I called to both him and Wanda, who was eating a sandwich quietly, clearly hangover a bit too. - Not really - I shook my head looking for some milk in the fridge.

\- Hangover or nightmare?

\- A little bit of both - I smiled at him weakly.

\- Not a good time then to ask if you want to help in bringing some HYDRA remnant down.

\- Depends - I replied prompting him to explain it in more detail while I got myself a bowl of cereal and sat down next to Wanda.

\- Well, the thing is, we need someone to get us into a HYDRA facility where they are most likely operating some kind of a super soldier program again.

\- What? - I almost spat out my mouthful.

\- Yeah, they’re just not giving up that shit and the UN has no idea about it, so Stark and the others are not much help - he shook his head. - So Cap decided we should go and shut it down.

\- And how does he plan to do that?

\- Well, there are two versions: with or without you.

\- If I would be in, how would it go down?

\- Well, you could pretend to be a scientist from another HYDRA facility; you were working with the Winter Soldier before, so it shouldn’t be hard to sell the story of you being competent. So when you get them to trust you, you can easily get us into the “program” and we can destroy their research with a handy program S.H.I.E.L.D. designed and Maria Hill gave us access to.

\- How long would I be incognito without you? - I furrowed my brows. I wondered how Steve got the idea to put me back into my old life after all I’ve been through, but I was certainly interested in the idea, thinking it would give me a chance to gain more information about the serum and maybe also memory suppressing, the compliance program, even deactivation.

My resources may have been vast given my circumstances, but having access directly to HYDRA databases would open new gates for me and James.

\- A few weeks maybe?

\- Are you sure you are up for that? - Wanda asked carefully.

\- Absolutely not. I am not sure if I am even capable of pretending to be a part of what they are doing for a day, not weeks. But it may worth a try - I admitted. - What would you do if I’m not going?

\- Most likely just barge in and do what we can - Sam shrugged grinning.

\- That’s a terrible idea - I stated. - So I either go, or you get yourselves killed, that’s a hard decision really.

\- Well, no one said it would be easy to roll with us. But it’s worth it, ain’t it? - he joked again.

\- Let me just think - I mocked consideration for a moment then chuckled along with him.

The thing was that I kinda started to like these people. I spent more than 3 months with them and started to feel like I was really part of the group now. Well, it’s true that I wasn’t a super soldier or a trained assassin or a person with certain abilities, but I fit in the niche: I was human and I had my moments to be useful too. No one was better in researching any topic than me. Or solving arguments (of course only when I wasn’t involved personally). Also, I was psychic in ordering take-out they just craved by the time they got home from missions.

\- So, are you in?

\- I want to talk to Steve first. Get some details cleared up. Like how this idea of me pretending to be HYDRA popped into his mind.

\- Well, to be honest, it didn’t, it’s my idea. His idea was option 2 - Sam shrugged pouring himself a glass of OJ.

\- What? - I looked at him. - And how do you plan on feeding him the info about it?

\- What info? - Steve walked in.

\- I want Kate to go incognito before we bust that HYDRA facility - he started confidently. I was truly envious that he could just put it out there without being afraid Cap will bite his head off. I guess being besties had its perks.

\- No way, man - Steve got the box of orange juice from the black man then turned to the cupboard to get a glass. - Too dangerous.

\- Like your plan isn’t? - Sam retorted.

\- I made a promise to Buck to keep her safe - he said calmly sipping into his glass. - I don’t plan to break it by putting her back into HYDRA.

\- I had the same concern, but… - I started, but he cut me off.

\- You stay out of it.

\- You have no right to tell me… - I raised my voice to argue him, but without even looking at me he interrupted my sentence again.

\- I have every right. I am the leader of this team and I decided you are not coming. End of conversation - he emptied his glass, placed it into the sink and turned to leave. I stood in his way.

\- You are not my handler, Steve Rogers, and I am _certainly not_ your prisoner - I kept my speech low and calm, but the tension was obviously audible in it. - You have no right to talk to me this way, nor - I raised my voice when he tried to cut in again - to interrupt me when I am talking. And above all, I do what I want and when I want to, I don’t care about what promises and secrets you and James shared before he went all MIA on me, but I’m sure none of them gives you the right to treat me like you do right now.

\- Are you done? - he asked. He was angry again and it annoyed me to insanity.

\- Oh, you bet I ain’t done, but I don’t intend to make a scene of this - I replied looking around us, Wanda and Sam being the witnesses once again. - And just so you can rest easy, I will not go against your order, but that does not mean I agree with your leadership style.

\- Well, that’s rich, you playing the martyr in this like you don’t know I’m damn right - Steve cried out running his fingers through his hair nervously.

\- Oh, God, Steve, do you even hear yourself? - I spat the words.

\- Let’s just go to the gym, we will talk it out there - he grabbed me by my elbow guiding or more appropriately dragging me out of the kitchen, away from the others standing still. - Unbelievable - he muttered under his breath, then when we reached the room, he pushed me in and closed the door behind us.

\- Yeah, un-fucking-believable, that you seriously think that anything that Bucky said to you gives you permission to boss me around, like a soldier or something - I yelled to his back. - How do you just go from that goddamn perfect, understanding, loveable person to this bloody mess who goes all psycho on me the moment I want to do something slightly riskier than going to the library?

\- Going undercover as a HYDRA agent is not just _slightly_ riskier than that! - he turned around to face me. - You can get seriously hurt or even worse, killed if they just get suspicious of you. I. Won’t. Let. That. Happen. - he stressed every word like I would understand it more in this manner, but it was just fuel to the fire.

\- Or I can get answers without risking Bucky’s life. Have you thought about that? - I reasoned desperately. - A new HYDRA supersoldier program would mean they are most likely working on programming them too. Maybe they know how to deactivate agents now for good. I need that information. We need that information, Steve.

\- Then I will get it for you, no need to go headfirst into certain death - he fumed.

\- Don’t you think I could handle it? I did it before, why do you think I couldn’t do it now? And anyway, if you just attack them tricolor shield first, they will most certainly erase all their research before you could get to it. You have to admit, I am our best chance to destroy them and acquire their data. Just give me a chance, Steve! - I yelled into his face. I was so high on adrenaline it made me tremble, just like him.

\- How many times do I have to repeat myself for you to understand that I won’t allow it?! - he rumbled grabbing me by the front of my shirt, pulling me close, so we were face to face, only inches apart. - I made a promise to keep you safe, don’t make it harder than it has to be - he hissed into my face.

He started to scare me. He was so mad, so different, so stubborn, I felt myself letting go of convincing him. There were no words to change his mind, no use of reasoning with anymore, he wasn’t gonna change his mind and there were nothing in this world I hated more than those headstrong people who weren’t able to compromise.

\- Have it your way - I grunted tilting my chin up to peer into his sterling blue eyes staring daggers into me. - Have me chained up or tied up, I don’t care, Captain Rogers - I hissed into his perfect face. His lips parted revealing his gritted teeth as his hand reached for the nape of my neck to fist my hair and bring me in.

We clashed like two stars, exploding into the emptiness of space, all teeth, and tongue, his beard scratching me, my fingers knotted into his mane, his in mine, pulling me closer to him, my body pressed into his.

We fought for air and for dominance over the other, grunting and moaning like we were wrestling. It wasn’t a kiss, it was a battle, so different from everything I ever encountered before; it wasn’t sweet like I dreamt, nor adoring or desperate like it was with James. It was painful and yet so satisfying, animalistic, possessive and wild, something I never would have expected from Steve Rogers, who was truly kissing me senseless.

When I first gained some kind of conscience I pushed him away and slapped him across the face gasping for air just so it can burn up my lungs and he would pull me back into the kiss like nothing happened. I found myself arching into his growing bulge as he slipped his left hand under my t-shirt, still holding me close with the other and then the realization of what we were doing hit me the second time.

I broke free from his grip and took a few steps back trying to catch my breath, my cheeks burning up from either the lingering feeling of his touch or the guilt bubbling up in the pit of my stomach again like acid and in my head I couldn’t stop asking myself “Why did I do that?”.

\- What the fuck, Steve? - I cried out covering my face with my hands. - What the fuck?

 


	5. Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter, guys, I hope it was worth the waiting.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

\- I’m sorry - he buried his face in his hands too for a moment, took a big breath. - No, I’m not. I won’t apologize for this, Kate.

I couldn’t look at him, I turned my back on him and wished he would go away.

\- If I am completely honest with myself, I just can’t apologize for something I wanted to do for weeks now - he sighed again. - I know it would make it easier for both of us if I wasn’t saying this out loud, but God, Kate, I have to. This kiss wasn’t a coincidence and it wasn’t a mistake, because saying it was wouldn’t make  _ this _ go away, I tried. You tried too I bet, to fight it, to ignore it because the guilt over thinking about - he paused for a second, like it was hard to talk about Him. -  Bucky made it unbearable for you too.

\- Stop, Steve, please - I choked out hugging myself. 

\- I can’t, Kate. I wasn’t planning for this either, believe me. It just happened, like  _ this _ usually does. I haven’t felt like  _ this _ , never before I hated myself so much for something I wanted so bad - he inhaled sharply. - I tried resisting it, I tried to push it down, it just drove me crazy, you saw what it did to me. And I understand if you are not interested, if you are stronger than this, but I had to get this off my chest.

I turned around to look at him. He had both his hands nervously fisted in his longish blonde hair, his eyes confused and apologetic, he looked at me like I was about to deliver a verdict.

\- I thought I was stronger - I started off, my voice a little groggy from the pent up crying in my throat. - Obviously, I’m not - I sighed. - I’m not above this and as you said it, no matter what I do I will not be able to silence these feelings - he raised his eyebrows in interest, while he slowly let his hands fall back to his sides. - I just don’t know how to deal with  _ this _ , when I am also clearly still very much in love with James. How would it be fair to either one of you to love the other? - I asked the only real question that mattered. I wondered how I could never fathom this dilemma into words before. Was I too deep in denial to face it?

Asking the right question usually made it easier to find the real answer. But not this time.

If I pursue this affair with Steve while James is gone, I may be happy for the time being, but since we wouldn’t stop looking for the solution for Him eventually we will find ourselves in a situation when we will have to explain everything to Him. And how would we make him understand? Even if we can, he would obviously leave both of us and I wouldn’t survive that, not even with Steve on my side.

But if I turn  _ this  _ down, I will either live in constant suffering along with him in this place where everyone would feel awkward around us until we learn to forget all this, or I would need to move away and cut myself off from the world to look for a cure by myself. I doubted I would be able to do that alone, failing James anyway.

\- Maybe we could figure out together? - he asked slowly, stepping towards me carefully. - Like the cure for Bucky. It will take time, but we can only be sure of what we are doing if we try and experience it on our own skin.

\- Last time you thought it was a bad idea to... - I looked up at him confused.

\- I changed my mind - he said. - I give you 10 days in that facility to find something out about deactivation, to infotrade them - he explained his new plan confidently, leaving me dazed from the way he turned 180 degrees in a matter of mere minutes. - On Day 11 we’re going to bring the whole house down on their heads and when it’s over, you and I are flying to Wakanda and get Him.

I stared at him in complete shock.

\- You want to…?

\- Yes - he replied without a second thought. - We will bring him home.

 

* * *

 

 

Day 8.

_ “Patient #68 is experiencing heavy side effects of the serum, both physically and psychologically. Memory surpassing works only partially, often calling out to a woman named Marion, having no memory of how they’ve been related. On sessions, he often gets aggressive when he does not remember things or even when he does. Seemingly has no memory of childhood anymore, but very vivid scenes of war and killed loved ones surface upon the slightest provocation. During and after simulations often has difficulty adjusting to reality, had hurt 5 members of the staff this week, tried to leave the facility once. Needs fine-tuning and continued compliance sessions to gain full control.” _

I leaned back in my chair in front of the screen watching the cursor blink, waiting for me to write my report about Patient #12 too who had been in the program longer than most scientist here, several months in my estimate. He had been a subject of Daniel Whitehall’s original Faustus program, a highly enhanced hypnosis program of which I have learned during my stay in this facility which by the way was located on a private island in Oceania surrounded by water and guarded quite heavily. I had no idea how Steve and the others will get inside, but I had a hunch that I will be responsible of making it possible. 

But on the bright side of things, I had already acquired tremendous amount of information about the program, which was most definitely related to the method they used with James. It was based on hypnosis, during which they program assets to comply if certain keywords are used during speech. The difference was that here there were several sentences but with my Soldier it were individual words, seemingly incoherent. But as I found out they were only incoherent for me, they must have held in fact very much significance to James as a person on the subconscious level, and this emotional link made it possible to control him.

With Patient #12 we had to use the following lines:

“Take a deep breath. Calm your mind. You know what is best. What is best is you comply. Compliance will be rewarded.”

In response he would say “Happy to comply”, while the Soldier said to Zemo “Ready to comply.” on the recording. Obviously the resemblance was more than a coincidence, so I tried to get everything I could about Patient #12’s training. Fortunately HYDRA gave me full (but monitored) access to his files in belief that they can get me to perfect the method and apply it to a supersoldier.

Because Patient #12 was not a supersoldier. He was a highly skilled assassin and spy of HYDRA, but only human and since the organization did not want to compromise him as a valuable soldier, they only let us “copy” him onto new candidates of the supersoldier program.

He was just as oblivious as James was before, no memories, no personality, just an empty shell until he was filled with purpose. If I was to tell him to get me out of here, he would without a question I was sure, for that I was thinking about making him an asset of mine in escaping. I also felt quite sorry for him. I kept seeing James in him, in so many ways, but just didn’t feel the connection I felt with him, I was not curious, not intrigued anymore. I was just so sorry and guilty about being unable to help. So I kept myself busy with other patients.

There was a woman, Patient #42 she must have experienced a different kind of method to make her compliant, since she had her own mind, she remembered everything about herself perfectly, though I was not sure how much of it was actually true and how much just make-believe to make her stable. She also defied me many times when not made compliant beforehand. For example I told her to cut her palm for me and she said she wouldn’t. Then I told her that her compliance will be rewarded, which made her a bit disoriented for a few seconds, then she said the usual phrase of being happy to comply. I repeated the request and she cut her palm smiling, without a word. Then we continued our chat like nothing have happened. 

The thought of others like her running around in our world scared me. She was perfectly normal until she heard the words and just became a clean slate again. No electrocution, no pain, just hypnosis, maybe for life.

And that was my problem. I had the method they might used on James, but that did not bring me closer to the cure. Deactivation was not mentioned in any file, but I thought about asking my supervisor, Agent Gull to give me access to deceased or MIA patients’ files too. Maybe someone else found a way to deactivate them or they somehow fell out of HYDA’s control.

The research was otherwise tenacious and draining. It was like going through a tunnel system underground: in the dark, continuously reaching a point where you have to choose which way to go, without knowing where the exit is. Your eyes got used to the darkness, so you learn slowly to navigate, but you will be never sure you choose the right way to turn. 

\- Dr. Denham - a nurse called from the door, making me turn towards her. - The material you asked for arrived. Should I ask them to put them in here or the office with the projector?

\- The projector room, please - I replied standing up, closing my laptop and taking it from the desk. - I will claim it shortly. Could you arrange the room to be reserved for the day? I will need several hours to go through all the footage, I wouldn’t like to be disturbed.

\- Sure, doctor.

\- Thank you, nurse - I nodded, and she left quickly. I fixed my lab coat and started to the mentioned room. Before I got here I asked all available footage of the Winter Soldier to be delivered to the facility for me to study, and I was just starting to worry that I might not get it before Steve “brings the house down”, as he promised me. 

He was much calmer after our talk in the gym, he told Sam the same day he wants to go through with his plan and tried to get me everything to keep safe before I contacted HYDRA. He made me train harder, he trained with me more, he got me some spy tech too from Maria and some contact named Fury. 

I was interviewed by a few HYDRA operatives next week and two weeks from then I moved in here. I realized the moment I walked in that I will be watched closely and that I will be threated like a celebrity. The director of the research center greeted me personally and escorted me through the institution on my first day, reassuring me that if I need something for my work or otherwise, I should feel free to ask.

The Winter Soldier was a myth and working with a myth was something quite extraordinary here. Of course I had a few colleagues who acted like it was no big deal, but I knew they were kind of envious too, since I was treated differently. 

It was a very ideal situation from the aspect of my mission I knew that but tried not to overuse their welcome or draw much attention to myself. Some days it felt like I never left HYDRA in the first place, never stopped to work against my own beliefs and it filled me with feelings of unrest despite the brevity of my stay here.

At these times I always tried to think about Steve and that soon I will get to see James again. I experienced a whole range of different feelings from the familiar guilt to the long awaited joy of reunion when I wondered about our future.

I still felt the tender, blunt trauma of our kiss with Steve on my soul, but let myself wonder about what could happen if I was to share my heart between the two men. Do I even want them to share? What if they will fight over me? I don’t want that, I don’t want to break them up. But I just couldn’t let either one of them go willingly either. Thinking about this made me too much aware of the fact, that I only had 3 days left before I had to face the men I love with the man I could possibly love on my side. I hated love triangles, and I hated that it was happening to me now even more.

I was pulled from my thoughts by sounds of gunshots on the corridor, making me lean against the closest wall and pulling out my gun. I set it on sedative mode quickly, suspecting we had a patient on the loose. There were no such incidents yet while I was here, but nurses said it was nothing unusual, soldiers simply got confused, delirious even and they needed to be contained for the time they calmed down. This last part was not that easy as it sounded, since we are talking about enhanced humans, who in ideal situations were capable of eliminating entire organizations by themselves. We tried our best to be prepared, but since we were not allowed to use lethal weaponry against patients, it was quite difficult to handle them. 

I put my laptop on the floor next to me and approached the door I heard the sounds of struggle behind and entered cautiously to find myself in the midst of a battlefield. I saw blood and injured scientist all over, a few security guards and other doctors and nurses trying to hold down a man. His green, loose hospital gown torn and stained of blood, he was screaming and yelling incoherently like an animal. 

\- Patient #12 - someone shouted to me from the other side. - He won't comply, sedatives are not working, Doctor!

\- Let me try - I yelled over. - Hold him down! - I ordered the soldiers as I put my gun away and waved the nurses to make space. - Please everyone else step back, I need silence - I called as 5 men held the struggling asset on his knees. I squatted down in front of him, trying to establish eye contact. He was clearly in shock, it was some kind of episode, almost like he was sleepwalking, the “robot-pilot” took over when he was messed up. I was sure someone had triggered this severe reaction. - What is his real name? - I turned to one of the doctors over my shoulder.

\- I… I don’t know, we’re not supposed to… - he mumbled to me, but I cut him off hurriedly.

\- Check his file, I need a name he listens to - I turned back to him, reaching out to feel his pulse, but he tried to bite my hand. - Hold his head - I barked to the man holding him around the neck, ready to suffocate him. I felt the vein throbbing under my finger fractically. 

\- His name is David - the confused doctor said behind me in a few seconds, browsing his tablet.

\- David - I called Patient #12’s name calmly. - David, you need to listen to me. You hear me? - he jerked in the hands of the soldiers, grunting and growling at me. He was truly a captured animal, nothing more. - David - I was trying to get him to look me in the eye and when I said his name the third time, stern and loud, he finally locked eyes with me. - Take a deep breath, David, listen to my voice, take a deep breath - I inhaled long, trying to get him to do the same, then exhaled. I had to repeat it a few times for him to mimic me. - Calm your mind, David, concentrate on my voice, only my voice - Someone dropped their notebook behind me with a loud thud, scaring the man before me and I thought I would scream at them, but resisted the urge, leaning closer.

\- David, calm your mind - I almost whispered. - You know what is best, right? What is best is you comply - I got his full attention now, staring into the orbits of his brown eyes - Compliance will be rewarded - and with that like I said a magic word, he loosened up in the hands of his captors.

\- Happy to comply - he said to me calmly in a few seconds, waiting for an order, resting his empty gaze on me.

\- I want you to go to sleep now, David, I want you to rest, alright? - I asked gently. 

\- Yes, doctor - he nodded already sleepy.

\- Take him to his room, I want him well rested. No one wakes him up before he comes to by himself, am I understood? - I looked around making sure everyone heard me loud and clear. - Please keep me updated about his vitals - I asked the nurse responsible for him, before starting for the other corridor where I left my laptop. I hoped the materials have been delivered to the projector room safely while I was held up. 

I very much hoped that I will find some early footage of the experiments that they have ran on James and not just more videos about him killing innocent people over and over again. Unfortunately I already came across the one immortalizing the murder of Howard Stark and his wife.

I tried to shake the thought of those countless horrible images, but then I had to think about what just happened. It was bugging me, stirring  up old memories in me, and I just couldn’t help but think how James was the same as David is now. I had to get the information I needed and get the hell out of here as soon as possible or I was sure I will go insane too. I have to concentrate on my mission, I told myself trying to guide my mind back towards a more stable direction and as I entered the projector room, I thought to myself that I only need to survive two more days here.

 

* * *

 

 

I almost gave up when I clicked the Play button for at least the fiftieth time on the tape recorder to hear Arnim Zola’s now familiar voice explain how he wrecked the man I loved, how he teared him into pieces and built up a completely different person to become the Fist of HYDRA. I was through the meaningless video footages and most of the audio material, I have cried out every last bit of my tears and screamed every single swear word into the empty darkness of the room I’ve ever known by the time I finally heard his hated voice say the words I wanted to hear.

“In case of the Soldier being captured by enemy forces he is perfectly capable of entering a deactivated state, when his training and gained intel about HYDRA stays separated from the persona he returns to, in this case the character of Sergeant Barnes. This deactivation state lasts until the asset is triggered and reactivated with the appropriate words. 

The hypnotically installed protocol can only be erased by reprogramming by a new session of hypnotisation. This way the Soldier can be kept up to date with new methods”.

I sat there for a few more minutes unmoving as he explained the method of reprogramming in detail, then as the recording came to an end I reached for my phone and fired up the application Nat got me so I could communicate with them.

“I got what I came for. Ready for extraction in 24 hours. Leaving a package to be taken back to the base. Awaiting further instructions. K.”


	6. Plans

The takeover was clean and relatively easy. Fortunately, no assets were harmed, my package made it safely into the belly of the quinjet, but I wouldn’t say the battle left me satisfied. Many died, much more escaped with success and most likely with valuable information regarding the supersoldier program, maybe even enough to start it over somewhere else.  
Steve ordered me to sit this one out, to act like I don’t know them, escape or hide out like any other HYDRA agent would in my place, so I wouldn’t compromise my name by getting associated with Captain America, the Avengers or the late S.H.I.E.L.D.  
So I was sitting in my room with a loaded gun in case of someone should find me here and I need an alibi. It was nerve wracking to sit there and listen to the sounds of the fight. Iron against iron, gunshots, screams and shouts. Then someone entered the corridor, I heard the familiar plastic creaking of the main door over all other noise and I instantly thought someone from the team had come to take me. I opened up the door of my room and exited to the corridor without a second thought, but I didn’t expect one of the nurses with a machine gun and Patient #68 to face me.  
\- Marion - the soldier called warningly when he saw me, making her stop on her way. So she was Marion, who he called in his delirium. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. What were they doing here?  
\- Dr. Denham, please go back to your room - she said standing behind the tall, muscular man. He had gone through the transformation after all.  
\- I don’t understand - I shook my head. - Where are you taking him?  
\- Away from here - came the answer. - Please don’t stand in our way - she directed her gun at me.  
\- It’s okay, I don’t want to fight - I said, lowering myself to the ground to put down my gun. - What do you want to do with him?  
\- Fix him - she barked looking at me quizzingly.  
\- To use him?  
\- No.  
\- Then you should take the elevator in the director’s office, he was gone for the week, no one should be in there. It will take you to the surface to his private docks, there must be something you can escape with - I explained, but when I saw her confused expression I added. - I was you once with the Winter Soldier. Take care of him and never get involved with this again - I advised. - Now go - I motioned towards the other side of the corridor. - The battle will soon reach here, you have little time.  
I shot one last glance at 68 as he passed me by. He wasn’t fine, but being off the sedatives definitely helped, he looked like someone halfway home. I hoped Marion can save him like I hoped I will be able to save James someday.  
I stood there for a few seconds deep in my thoughts, then Nat entered without warning.  
\- Hello there, Mother Theresa - she grinned. - How cute, you let them go.  
\- Please don’t tell Steve - I cried annoyed, but also quite happy to see her.  
\- I will think about it - she joked. - But first, let’s get out of here before Stark and the UN gets here.  
\- The UN? How do they even know?  
\- Steve called it in. We take everything major and the rest they can clean up. This way no one will get their hands on any assets, but the bust is still made official.  
\- Where will the patients go?  
\- They will be handed over to Fury and Hill, they will take care of them - she assured me while we headed towards the sounds of the battle. I have never seen the team fight before, not live, not in action, but while passing through the examination center I could see the blue, red and silver costumes flash on the other side of the glass dividers fighting the security personnel in black.  
Wanda tossed someone over breaking dividers with a beam of red energy, while Steve threw punches at 3 guys at once. Sam had little use to his suit and metal wings in this confined place but still managed to surprise his enemies with them from time to time.  
\- We have no time to stand and watch, Kate - Nat scolded me from a few meters away impatiently.  
\- They are pretty awesome - I said while quickening my tempo to get next to her. We were rushing through the cafeteria towards the elevators to the bay. - I mean, how did you all get in here and got my stuff safe while you are clearly outnumbered by them?  
\- You know that Steve stopped a helicopter from taking off with his two bare hands last year, right? Your 3 little box of gadgets was like lifting a pack of beers for him. And you said yourself, we are trained assassins, supersoldiers, and stuff, it’s kinda what we do for a living - she shrugged.  
\- It’s still pretty awesome - I grinned as she ushered me into the lift. The annoying classical music was still playing despite the situation downstairs.  
\- Next time you will be right next to us being pretty awesome yourself. Or sitting home. It depends on Steve. - she smiled, then she added on a more serious tone. - He was worried sick for you.  
\- I can imagine - I agreed. I would be worried sick for me too. I mean I am worried sick for James all the time and he is frozen at the end of the world in secret. - Was he very nervous about it?  
\- Not more than usual - she replied casually. - He told me he told you how he felt and you didn’t break his heart, I appreciate that.  
\- Good to know that you two are sharing everything with each other.  
\- Well, not everything, apparently - she smirked at me and we both laughed, as the elevator dinged and the doors opened letting in the heavy, salty ocean breeze.  
\- He also told you I still love James? - I asked when out laughs faded away.  
\- Yeah. I wonder what Bucky will say when he wakes up - she glanced at me with a knowing look. - You know that no good ever came from a love triangle, right?  
\- I think I know. But it’s not like I was asking for this, that I wanted to like Steve this way, it just happened.  
\- Keep telling yourself that - she joked again. - But tomorrow, when you land in Wakanda, you will have to face him and tell him that you have feelings for his best buddy who was supposed to look after you while he was gone. Are you ready for that?  
\- I’m not saying that now on I want to have an open relationship with both of them, I don’t think I could just do that and be okay with it. I just know that both Steve and I think he has to know what happened between us.  
\- A kiss? - Nat pushed the button on the side of the quinjet so the ramp would slowly retract to the ground. - Do you really think you have to tell him and mess up your whole relationship just because you two kissed once?  
\- I don’t want to keep secrets from him - I replied, but she made me think. Sure, it would be easier to lie to him about it, but eventually, he would notice how weird Steve and I act with each other. I don’t want him to find out like that. And anyway, I will preferably have no time to spare to be weird about this with either one of them, since we all will be working on the new, neutral programming of James’s brain. We will be too busy to deal with this other mess I made. And by the time we will finally have the opportunity to take care of it, I will have my feelings under control and I will have a much better idea of how I want to handle this.  
I was always way too good in procrastination and making excuses for myself.  
\- Will you go back to help them? - I asked when we finally got on the plane. - Or should we wait a little and both go back? They could definitely use my help with the patients.  
\- No, SHIELD operatives had already arrived from another entry point and taking care of them, don’t worry. Wanda and the others will be back shortly and we can get out of here, so you and Steve can pack for Wakanda - she said mockingly.  
\- Why are you so hung up on us going to Wakanda? - I snapped at her a bit annoyed by the topic now.  
\- I don’t think it’s a good idea - she cocked her head to one side, looking at me with a quite threatening expression.  
\- Why? I want to fix my messed up boyfriend, what is so bad about that?  
\- Nothing, just maybe you should first try and fix your mess, Kate - she offered with a hint of irony.  
\- So you are saying I should leave James where he is, frozen and alone, while I just magically figure out if I want to be with Steve or not? - she really started to piss me off. I was trying to do the right thing here. I was trying to be honest, to be a good person despite my many flaws and unfortunate situation. - And if I realize that I want to, should I just let James stay in cryostasis for the rest of my life because it’s just more convenient for me not to tell him the truth?  
\- I never said that - she warned with holding up her index finger. - I only say that you can’t just have both Steve and Bucky on the line for you. I don’t want another Civil War. Not over you - she explained. - And by that I don’t mean that I want another Civil War under any circumstance, I just don’t want either one of you to get hurt because you rushed into a threesome.  
\- I don’t want that either. I just want to clear the air before… before James gets hurt because of us keeping secrets - I sighed, my anger gone. I understood where she came from, but I felt trapped. No matter where I stepped, it was almost certain someone would get offended or badly hurt. - He has no one other than me and Steve in this world. He can’t lose both of us, he can’t go back to being the mess who came to my house in Stockholm, I won’t let that happen. But I won’t lie to him, Nat, not about this, not about anything. He has to know that we will be always honest with him, no matter how bad shit gets.  
She nodded at me, acknowledging my point. She was genuinely worried we will fuck up with this whole honesty thing, but she accepted that I had my reasons for this policy. I liked her very much, but even friends can’t always agree, and only time will tell which of us was right about this whole stuff.  
\- Hey there, girls - Sam called with a grin breaking the silence falling between us, all sweaty but psyched up from the fight as he jumped up onto the aircraft. Wanda and Steve followed suit, talking about something vividly gesticulating, most likely already analyzing how the mission went, but as he saw me, he went silent, and Wanda rushed past me knowing she had no chance at getting his attention back.  
\- Hi - I spoke first.  
\- Hey - he smiled a little confused about what he should do. - I’m glad to see you.

\- Me too - I nodded.  
\- You ready to go home and tell us all about what you got? - he sat down on a seat to the left and I joined, as Nat fired up the engines.  
\- I think so.  
\- You can start on the way, if you want to - Sam interrupted. - Nat can turn on the autopilot and we can all listen to you. I’m quite freaked of what I saw in there, this was no small operation.  
\- No, it wasn’t. Quite an important one actually, also pretty successful.  
\- You mean, they have the serum now? - Wanda looked at me surprised from the other side.  
\- Not what he has - I motioned over to Steve at my side. - But something similar. More painful and fucks up people more than I thought and also they have a quite effective mind control thing too. I mean, there were Buckys everywhere.  
\- What do you mean? - Nat turned around in the pilot seat after she set up our route home.  
\- I mean, they are all so oblivious, so empty until they get their orders with these programmed activation sentences. They just destroy their person or create a different persona for them, one they completely control, and they can make these different levels of personas too. There are complex and lifelike, normal people hearing words and then they just become machines, ready to comply after they are done with them.  
\- But how? - she furrowed her eyebrows nervously.  
\- Hypnosis. They use this method designed by a HYDRA scientist who was in fact in jail together with Arnim Zola, Daniel Whitehall. He was one of the heads rising after Red Skull was eliminated at the end of the war. The method is basically is that they sit them in front of a wall-wide screen and hypnotize them into these pre-programmed murderers with different patterns playing in front of them and different words carved into their minds. It takes a lot of time if the subject is resisting, but if they go into it willingly it just consumes them completely.  
\- Do you think Bucky was put under this method?  
\- The early kind, yes, I believe so - I nodded and I couldn’t help but my voice was full of joy. - I found a recording of Zola’s experiment memos, where he explains that an asset can’t be deactivated for good, but can be reprogrammed by a new session of hypnosis. I have the tech to do it, I just need to figure out the program.  
Steve looked at me perfectly unimpressed.  
\- Why are you looking at me like this? This is groundbreaking. We can just program him to overcome any attempt of mind-control or something like that.  
\- We would still be programming him to do something. I want to free him, not just put him in a bigger cell.  
\- That’s not what this is!  
\- She’s right Steve, this is the best you can do right now, to give him a chance at life - Wanda said abruptly.  
\- It’s not good enough - Steve shook his head, burying his face into his palms.  
\- It’s still better than what he has now, man - Sam added.  
\- You want him to stay frozen until something better comes up? - I asked calmly. - That it? - I pushed at his shoulder, so he would look at me. - Well, let me tell you, it won’t. There will be no complete cure, not ever because no one will even think about finding a solution anymore. They don’t know people like him exist, so they don’t look for them, they don’t find ways to save them! - I almost yelled at him for looking at me so defiantly. - We have to face the fact that either we find a way for him to live without fear of being used or we leave him in Wakanda for forever. I told you I could spend a life looking for a solution and now I found one. You say it ain’t good enough for you. We can waste a life always looking for better or we can make the most of what we have, Steve, and you have to decide it now which it will be - I poked his chest prompting, but he just looked at me with a dark, resigned impression.  
\- We can try, but I won’t give up the idea of the cure - he finally said to my pleading look.  
\- Good for you, but I am pretty sure we will be fine anyway - I offered a shy smile. I had no idea what was going on in his head, I just wanted him back on my side.

For the rest of the flight, we mostly talked about life in incognito and what it was like to be back in HYDRA again, but Steve kept to himself like he was hurt about what I said. When we finally arrived home, he pulled me over for a second.  
\- Could you come to the gym after you settled in? I’ll be training but I would like to talk some more if you don’t mind.  
\- Sure, give me an hour, I’ll be there - I answered calmly, but inside I had my big red light flashing rapidly. He didn’t even speak to me on the way here and now he wants a private audience, I'll be damned if I understand this man.  
I was still wondering what had gotten into him when I was standing under the shower washing my hair. I put on a fresh pair of sweats when I was finished and one of the SHIELD t-shirts I got from Nat. She had like a full collection of them, she said she could spare a few while I get myself an honest wardrobe. I decided to not blow dry my hair, so I headed for the gym in slippers and half wet hair thinking Steve wouldn’t mind.

I entered the gym without knocking, but he didn’t notice me, he kept hitting the punching bag in front of him with all he got, his shirt stretching over the muscles on his back, sweat shining on his face.  
\- Hey - I finally said, trying not to get distracted by his looks this time. He seemed almost startled hearing my voice, easing up as he turned to me. He got his towel from the mat and wiped his face. In the dim light of the room, the shadows painted his figure even more godly than it was, his cheekbones sharp and strong, his eyes pierced into my soul. He looked quite intimidating, though he was wearing his usual gym outfit.  
\- Hi - he panted. - You were quick.  
\- Time flies while you work out - I offered as an excuse, instead of telling him that I was too curious about what he has to say to take my time.  
\- True - he smiled, but still didn’t really pick up the conversation.  
\- You want to talk about tomorrow, I take - I cut to the chase.  
\- That too.  
\- Let’s start with that then - I crossed my arms in front of my chest nervously.  
\- You sure you can make this hypnosis thing work?  
\- I think so. I am no expert, but I want to try. If James agrees of course.  
\- And what if he doesn’t? - he prompted, stepping closer to me. - What if he will be pissed we woke him before long? It wasn’t even a year since he got frozen back.  
\- Well, if he really wants to, he can always just go back to cryostasis, but I don’t want to waste time on the waiting game, Steve. I had gone nine months without seeing him already, I don’t know how much more I could take without a good enough reason.  
\- I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.  
\- Are you afraid of facing him and telling him about us? - I cut the bullcrap out of the blue, even surprising myself with my boldness. - Is this the reason suddenly everyone is telling me it’s a bad idea to go to Wakanda tomorrow?  
\- Everyone?  
\- I mean Nat.  
\- Yes, I am worried about his reaction, but this is not the reason, though we have to talk about this too - he took another step towards me. - How will we break it to him?  
\- We just tell him, easy - I shrugged. - We grew to like each other very much and when we got very frustrated with it, we kissed. One time. And we are not quite sure about if it will last, but we thought being honest about it is the best we can do.  
\- You’ve been thinking about this before, I take - he fiddled with the hem of his shirt not looking at me.  
\- Long and hard. Haven’t you?  
\- I did. And my feelings are unchanged. They just became clearer while you were away - he lifted his gaze to meet mine. - I want you, Kate. I have to resist my instincts every second as I am standing here right now - he cast down his eyes again, ashamed. - I just want to kiss you again, pull you into my arms and I just feel this pang of shame inside about it, carrying it around, like even thinking about, fantasizing about it was a sin.  
\- Steve… - I breathed out helplessly, taking a step toward him, reaching for his face, to cup his cheek, lift his head to meet our eyes. - I am so sorry.  
\- No, I know, I shouldn’t, but…  
\- It’s okay - I said quietly laying my head on his wide chest, looking up at him. - Just put your hands around me.  
He complied without a word and now it was my turn to pull him down into a chaste kiss, lips pushed to each other, soft and warm, melting into each other to let our tongues intertwine as he held me close. It was the very opposite of our first kiss, sensual and calm and lovely, but blazing all the same. There were no fighting, no frustration, it was bittersweet comfort from the first second until the time our lips parted minutes later.  
\- We will figure it out - I whispered onto his lips. - Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you for reading! If you liked it or even if you didn't, please leave a comment or kudos or whatever, I am not quite sure how the story is for you yet. Is it good? Is it bad? Should I continue or give up on it?


	7. Revival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment has come: Bucky is returning from cryostasis, Steve and Kate have to admit their feelings for each other.

The next day we took off to Wakanda around noon, after spending half the night with Steve in the gym talking about our plan for James. Nat wished me luck after breakfast and retreated to her room, to catch up on my work at the HYDRA facility and Wanda told me to bring both guys home safely, while Steve and I packed our bags.

\- For all I care you can leave that can of disaster in the freezer for the Panther to deal with for a little while longer - Sam joked. I think he was secretly jealous of the friendship Steve and James had. Well, maybe not so secretly, but it was adorable how he huffed and puffed about us bringing that “pain in the butt” home.

\- Well, there’s a chance he wants to stay on ice instead of coming to live under the same roof you do, so hope dies last - I chuckled as he gave me a bearhug.

\- Watch out for this old thing too - he patted Steve on the shoulder. - He goes crazy around that dude, like you don’t even know.

\- I’ll do my best - I promised, though I had quite an idea of how crazy they could be around each other, especially given the current situation. I expected some pretty crazy shit to go down.

\- I packed you lunch for the ride - Wanda called handing me two paper bags.

\- Guys, we are not leaving for forever, just a few days - Steve finally spoke.

\- Thank you, Wanda, that’s so kind of you - I thanked her glaring at the blonde man.

\- Keep them under check, Natasha - he yelled, so the red haired woman would hear it even in her room. - I think they are up to something.

\- Sure they are - I grinned. - Their grandpa finally leaves for a few days, they will organize a house party or something while you are away. Now turn your pouty ass around and let’s go. We will get there with the worst jetlag ever, if you can even have those.

\- It’s only 5 hours and we will probably just go to bed when we get there. So no jet lag for either one of us - he got hold of our two duffel bags.

\- Goodbye, guys, we will be back in a week or so, have fun - I said my farewells, Steve just nodded to Sam and Wanda as we boarded the quinjet. I felt already exhausted from so much travelling, but I knew what’s waiting on the other side of the world was well worth it.

Most of the journey I slept after the long night we had or read the material I scavenged from HYDRA and Steve read some new book. I noticed he loved wartime stories and documentaries about the past century, it helped him to catch up, so it didn’t bother him either that we were not talking much. We ate the sandwiches Wanda packed around halfway while gazing at the infinite ocean below us. It made me shiver when I thought of Steve being frozen in it for 70 years, so I turned back to my work pretty soon. 

Otherwise he was right about our arrival to Wakanda, there were fortunately no chance at a jetlag since it was already well passed midnight there too when we landed at the hidden facility’s bay. We were immediately shown to our room by some night-time attendants, where two twin beds greeted us. Everything was modern white, sterile and practical, like one would expect in a medical institution, but our room wasn’t like a hospital room at all, which I really liked.

I haven’t been to Wakanda before, but even in the darkness of the night it seemed like an extraordinary country, making me vow immediately to try and explore more of it if I ever find the time and Steve offered to join me if I wanted to go out sometime during our stay here. In an hour we got settled in, had our late late dinner already waiting for us in the room and went to bed right after it, knowing we have a big day coming.

 

In the morning we both woke up early. Steve was already up and sitting on the edge of his bed, when I came to, his bed already made.

\- Good morning - I called groggily, making him jump a little. He must have been buried in his thoughts and I didn’t blame him.

\- Good morning - he stood and came over to sit next to me. - You slept well?

\- Yeah. Was I talking?

\- No, just moaning in your sleep. It was cute - he smiled warmly. He laid his hand on my forearm, caressing it gently with his thumb absentmindedly staring at the carpet.

\- Did you sleep at all? - I asked gently. He was so different now, I had been up for less than 3 minutes but I already sensed that something wasn’t right about him. 

\- A little - he smiled tiredly. - I kept thinking about where we’ll end up by the time the sun goes down.

\- Everything will be fine - I tried to assure him, taking his hand into mine. His nervousness infected me a little, but I wanted to stay positive about this, after all this was the day I was looking forward to eversince that day in Bucharest.

\- I hope so - he sighed and stood, trying to focus at the task in hand. I felt sorry to be the reason of his suffering, his unrest. 

After we dressed up, we decided to skip breakfast, since we agreed that we were too nervous to eat, instead we headed to the reception area to get directions to the medical bay. We were informed that we are scheduled to meet King T’Challa at nine, who asked to be present at the revival of one James Barnes, which was timed at around 9:15. 

While we waited for the king, Steve explained to me who T’Challa was as a reminder. Turns out he and the Black Panther was one and the same person, who thought at the beginning of the Civil War that James was the one who blew up the UN congress and essentially killed his late father. He also was the person who handled Zemo to the authorities in the end and offered his help for Steve with James’s situation. Steve admitted he didn’t tell me about him before in detail because he was afraid it may make it easier for me to figure out where Bucky was.

 

When T’Challa finally arrived I was a bit perplexed by his age, he seemed so young, but in reflection of what Steve just told me about him, I imagined he was wiser than most at his age are. He wore simple clothes, a long-sleeved cotton shirt and black pants, but he radiated royalty in his every move without seeming intimidating at all. He first greeted Steve warmly, shaking hands, joking about Stark a little, before he turned to me.

\- And you must be Dr. Denham - he extended his hand to me and I shook it. - Nice to meet you.

\- The pleasure is all mine, King T’Challa - I bowed towards him a little as a sign of my respect. - Before we go in, I just wanted to thank you for… well, everything you did for James. I mean this place is incredible and I am grateful for your hospitality.

\- There’s no need for you to thank me, it was my duty to help after the mistake I made and what Steve and James did to find my father’s real killer - he replied kindly, but our little chat was interrupted before it really could start by a nurse of some sort signaling to him. - They are ready for us. Shall we go in? 

\- Yes, I think so - I looked over to Steve, but his face didn’t reveal anything about his feelings. He just nodded in acceptance and we headed after the nurse towards the corridor.

 

After we changed into some protective hospital uniforms we were escorted into the medical room and sat down like some group of visiting doctors to witness the procedure from afar. 

My eyes instantly found the bright glass cryostasis container in the far end of the room, searching for a glimpse of the man inside them, but I only saw the pattern of crystallised air on it, and the people walking around, attaching different kinds of cables and tubes to it, typing and analyzing data on their high-tech handheld computers before they started the process.

\- Vitals are noticeable, patient is ready for revival, sir - a nurse called turning to the man controlling the main computer and most likely the whole machine on the left.

\- Commencing revival protocol, stage one - he announced in a few seconds, pushing some buttons on his control panel and the tubes filled with liquids, cables sizzled as the machine buzzed to life. I grabbed Steve’s hand feeling both nervous and excited. I was trembling with my throat going dry and my feet getting weaker as the fog behind the walls of the container cleared out and revealed James’s sleeping face. I felt my heart beating in my throat, floating on the edge of consciousness as I reveled in the sight of him, his face calm, peaceful and handsome, his hair smoothed back.

He looked like a dark angel ascended from the sky even more beautiful than I remembered and then he opened up his eyes, sleepily, lazily looking around him from that small tube. There was no sign of discomfort or panic on his face, he seemed like someone who really just woke up from a long sleep: well rested and satisfied.

\- Commencing Stage 2 - the man called as the nurses laid out a mat in front of the chamber and prepared a robe for the patient. Another push of a button and the tube opened up with a hissing sound, retracting into the back of itself, letting me see James’s full figure now. He wore some white uniform and was missing his metal arm, but as my eyes returned to his face I met his gaze for the first time in nine months falling into his blue orbits, like I would into the deepest pit in the universe. Only Steve holding my hand kept me from running to him immediately as he smiled a wide, genuine smile and waved to us with his right hand.

With the help of a nurse he stepped out of the container and put on the robe, which kept falling off his left shoulder, but he couldn’t care less. He was smiling from ear to ear just as I was, my tears flowing without pause in the sheer joy.

\- Just a little more patience, sir - I heard the nurse say smiling, as he was starting toward us making him stop. He sat down as one of the doctors came up to him and took a sample of his blood, measured his vitals. 

I finally looked at Steve, but he showed no emotion.

\- You okay? - I asked quietly.

\- Just nervous.

\- He’s fine, he’s alive! - I tried to cheer him up and he finally faced me. 

\- I’m not nervous about his wellbeing - he sighed squeezing my hand harder now.

\- Please don’t ruin this moment with that - I plead lifting the back of his hand to my lips, kissing it calmingly, but I saw on his face that I was not helping, so I tried to shift my focus back at James, who was coming our way now, his expression confused and just a bit fearful.

\- What happened, why are you here? - he asked worriedly.

\- Nothing, everything is fine - I started, but he was having none of it.

\- What happened while I slept? Stark? Did HYDRA do something? Are you here because you need me? - he turned to Steve now, with his hand grabbing my arm. His joy over seeing us got overshadowed by the paranoia the minute he started to think. I put my hand on his trying to calm him down.

\- Nothing happened - I repeated. - We are here only because of you. 

\- What did I do? - he asked in panic.

\- Nothing - I smiled. - I did. I found out something about your problem, we may have a solution, but first - I looked over to Steve. - We have some...

\- He has to eat - the nurse showed up next to us out of the blue, while T’Challa stood and excused himself leaving Steve with the confused patient, telling him he will come to see us later when everything has calmed down. 

\- Certainly - I nodded. - Is it possible that he eats with us in our room?

\- Naturally, I will have his meal sent up there then.

\- Thank you - I turned back to my soldiers, talking excitedly.

\- You have to calm down buddy, everything is fine, really, no lying about that - Steve assured him the fifth time. 

\- I don’t understand - he looked at me still a bit disoriented. - How long have I been under?

\- Nine months - I answered simply. - Most likely the shortest cryostasis sleep you ever had.

\- And you already found a way to…?

\- We have an idea, not a cure.

\- And you brought her here, when I specifically asked you not to? - James switched topic suddenly, pushing on Steve’s shoulder annoyed.

\- I insisted - I tried to save the blonde man. - You know how I am.

\- That I know - he looked at me with a dark impression. - I wanted you to start over, not… wait around for me, not looking for me!

\- And I wanted a proper goodbye - I retorted quite hurt. He was clearly unstable after his time under, but it was no excuse for his rudeness.

\- Let’s just go and eat, okay? - Steve tried to break up our starting fight. 

\- Good idea - I nodded, going forward to open the door of the examination room.

 

In the room they have already laid the table for 3 and I had a tablet waiting for me beside my bed with James’s post-cryostasis medical report and suggestions for handling him. I wondered if they have many patients like him here. They seemed quite experienced. I browsed through their past reports too, while Steve and James ate quietly, exchanging a few word here and there about the matter of things at home. By the time I joined them at the table, both had finished their meals.

\- How are you feeling? - I asked James gently as I sat down beside him, Steve taking the seat accross to me. 

\- Better. Sorry about before - he apologized putting his hand on my thigh sending a surge of familiar warmness through my body. - I’m glad you are here, I just… I wanted you to start fresh without all the mess I come with - he said staring on his plate. I studied his stubbly face, trying to get his blue eyes to look at me from behind his longish hair, but I only felt Steve’s gaze linger on my face. He too was clearly upset, he was not good at keeping secrets it seemed and I wasn’t going to prolong the tension of either men.

\- I would rather clean up the mess then start fresh with you - I shook my head smiling reaching out to turn him towards me. - Both of you, actually - I added coaxing a confused look from James and a startled one from Steve.

\- What do you mean, love? - he asked dazed, now giving me his full attention. The blonde man across me held his breath.

\- You wrote to me that I should find Steve, join his team, move on - I started, unsure of how to feed him the info so he would understand. - I think I did all that, except the last bit. I was stuck on finding a way to bring you back, I got reckless and stupid at times, but Steve was always by my side to catch me before I made a mistake, to support me even when it went against his own idea of a solution - I peered at the man, it was the ultimate confession of my feelings for both him and my soldier staring at me still not knowing where my story leads. - Slowly he became my friend and as the months passed, even more than that - I took a deep breath looking for the sudden realization on James’s face. He furrowed his eyebrows in concentration. - I think you ought to know that despite both of us fighting against it, we developed feelings for one another - I said it out loud.  
It was the moment before the hangman releases the rope of the guillotine. There were no going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shorter chapter, sorry about it but in a day or two comes the next, I promise.
> 
> Until then it would be so good to have some kind of feedback. Kudos and comments stopped last week, I'm starting to worry. :(


	8. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky weights in on his best friend falling for his girl and gets his arm back to show Kate the man she fell in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some tension and serious sexy times ahead, don't say I didn't warn you.

\- _Feelings?_ \- he repeated the word looking from me to Steve and back. - What kind of feelings? - his tone was low and dangerous now, making me grateful the doctors didn’t give him back his metal arm yet. I saw the pain of a wounded beast stir in his eyes as I opened my mouth to speak.  
\- I fell for your girl, Buck - Steve buried his face in his hands inhaling sharply under the blazing stare of my soldier.  
\- Steve… - I tried to stop him, but he didn’t let me.  
\- No, Kate, I have to - he brought his hands down to look at the now bewildered James. - I messed up, Buck, I messed up real bad. You trusted me to keep her safe and I betrayed you by… falling for her, making her… - he couldn’t finish, he dipped his head admitting his guilt.  
\- What? What did you make her do? - he demanded as he stood up to step away from us.  
\- He made me feel safe and he made me feel at home! We are both confused about what we are feeling towards each other, James, we never wanted this.  
\- Did you sleep with him? - he looked at me coldly, making me shiver.  
\- No! - I cried as I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and my heart beating in my throat.  
\- What did you do then?  
\- I kissed her - Steve took the blame, spitting the words bitterly. - Twice.  
\- James… - I started, but he cut me off with a wave of his hand. - Please don’t…  
\- What? Please don’t be mad? Don’t be upset? Don’t make a scene? - he yelled at me, his face tensing up. - What do you want me to say? You really woke me up because of this?  
\- Buck, calm down - Steve warned.  
\- Fuck you, Steve - he barked at him, roaring with anger.  
Silence fell over us, neither of us could decide what to say, how to ease the situation.  
\- Do you want me to leave? - Steve asked addressing both of us, as I wiped away my tears, trying to get myself back together.  
\- Yes - James called and though I wanted to say no, I let him stand up and come up to me.  
\- If you need me, I’ll be in the lobby, just call - he told me gently and I wanted him to touch my arm or give me a kiss on the forehead to comfort me, but he knew better, he left without a sound leaving me alone with the love of my life.

  
He stood at the window, leaning against it, supporting himself with his right hand, trying to act like he was watching the outside world, but I knew he didn’t register any of it. I didn’t dare to speak and I couldn’t bring myself to step closer, remembering how he hurt me before when he was upset in Stockholm. It was all my fault, I put him back to square one: freshly out of cryostasis, confused and unsure of who to trust.  
\- Would it been better if we kept it a secret from you? - I finally asked breaking the silence. He didn’t answer me for minutes, and when he did he only said a word.  
\- No.  
\- Would it been better if we keep you under because we fell for each other?  
\- Maybe - he hummed. - Would have been easier on your conscience.  
\- Fuck my conscience - I spat making him turn and look at me. - Do you want to go back into that tube and cower away?  
\- No. But it’d probably be better if I did.  
\- Better for who? You?  
\- You - he repeated pained. - You and Steve. You could be together without having to think about me being in the way. You could live a happy life, have perfect kids, grandkids, a house somewhere in Brooklyn, live out your days in peace - he went on bitterly.  
\- You really think I want that?  
\- Why wouldn’t you? - he shrugged.  
\- Because you wouldn’t be there! - I cried out in frustration. - Why do you think I spent the last 9 months digging up everything I could about what happened to you? Why did we wake you? Because I want to be happy with Steve?  
\- Maybe you wanted to break up with me before you can jump into a new relationship with Steve, I don’t know - he fisted his hair in agony. I saw on his face that he is struggling to keep his feelings in check.  
\- You know I would never do that - I stepped closer. Silence fell between us once again, heavy and stifling.  
\- Even if you came with good intentions, how do you plan on solving this situation? - he finally asked looking at me with his pleading eyes.  
\- Don’t make me choose between you - I took hold of his hand. - Not yet.  
\- Do you really want us to share you? - he leaned closer to me, now towering over me, his hair falling into his face as he tilted his head forward.  
\- I don’t know - I lied breathlessly. He dipped and kissed me for the first time and it felt like I drew the first breath, reaching the surface of the deepest ocean after the longest time. I moaned into his mouth as he pulled me against his body with his right hand making me aware of the loss of his other. I held his face close with both my hands as we parted. - But I know I don’t want to be without you for a moment more.  
\- Do you tell Steve the same thing too? - he asked quietly, breathing the words on my lips, defeated, his voice cracking with anxiety. I was a caged bird under his gaze, naked and unable to escape, to deny the truth that I was forever his and so was he mine.  
\- No - I cooed kissing his soft, plump lips, loving how his stubble stung against my skin just like the captain's. - But I want him for some reason, I just…  
\- … like the fact that if I am the Winter Soldier, he is Captain Summer? - he joked, but there was some truth in what he said. They were so familiar, so similar, but oh so different at the same time.  
\- Maybe - I guessed, sneaking my hand in his hair at the nape of his neck, fisting the soft dark tresses, bringing him into yet another kiss. I knew he was most likely still pissed about Steve, but he missed me too much to resist the call of my body.  
\- I want my arm back - he mumbled as my kisses slid down the side of his neck, to his throat. He tasted salty and sweet, my senses tingled as I rediscovered the feeling of his body. - I want to hold you, baby, I want to carry you to bed and get my fill - he brought my face up to meet his eyes again as his voice dropped, playing the strings deep within me like the expert musician of mine he was. - I want to show you who you belong to and no matter how much I love Steve, I want him to know that he has to bring his A-game if he wants you - he almost growled in my face, his eyes fixed on mine, hardening in determination, his tone the most possessive I may have ever heard him speak on.  
My lips parted and my center pulsed in need for him, finally, after such a long time, making my throat go dry once again as I licked my lips and said:  
\- Do you want to go and get that arm?  
He nodded as he gave me a searing kiss and started towards the door.  
\- I’m not sure if they have it, though - he murmured.  
\- They fixed it up or made a new one, I saw it in your files - I helped him out.  
\- Really? - he asked surprised, then shrugged. - Tell Steve you’ll spend the night with me and that we are meeting for breakfast tomorrow morning - he added making it sound more like an order than a suggestion. - I want you with me for the day.  
\- First, we get the arm and then your room. After that I go and find him - I promised as we exited to the corridor, hand in hand. As I looked behind I caught a glimpse at Steve sneaking back into the room.

 

 

The remnant of James’s left hand, a bionic arm I myself grew very much attached to, laid in a box in some storage unit for safekeeping, since Stark was kind enough to destroy it in his rage, therefore the scientist forged him a new, almost exact replica, made of vibranium and some new tech that had the ability to charge it up with electricity, ultimately electrocuting anyone attempting to destroy it.  
For my surprise it took only a few minutes to get it on James, making it look like the old one was never taken from him. The doctor said their engineers were also working on a synthetic layer of skin, to cover up the metal and the mechanical sound, but they had yet to finish it since we woke James earlier than they anticipated. Wakanda had a surprise waiting around every corner it seemed, as I watched him move the new arm around, circling his shoulders, probing his fingers with a smile on his face, like a little boy with his newest toy, but when he looked at me, his gaze darkened and I saw his lust stir beneath its blue colour.  
He was always a generous and strangely skilled lover, he was a merciless tease when he wanted to be, but he always put me first, even when he just wanted to get off, to forget his misery, drowning it into my body in the first times. But this time, he was different.  
It wasn’t about burying guilt and self-hatred, it was about me and his best friend getting cozy, and him being jealous, the way he came up to me and curling his bionic arm around my waist, pulling me close, kissing me so openly, showing me off to the people around us was not like him. He used to keep our romance so private, so intimate, confessing feelings by whispering them into my ear, kissing each others' tears away in the dark, pulling into little corners of buildings to hide and steal a few kisses, before he slid me under the sheets to have his way with me in private.  
This was a completely different side of him, maybe the womanizer he was before, the one Steve told me about, but so far I was intrigued by how he acted, he made me curious about how far would he take the “fight” for me. I had no time to think more about it because we headed back towards the room James got right next to the one Steve and I stayed at last night.  
\- I’ll just go talk to him, be right back - I let him go in and walked a little further down the corridor to knock on Steve’s door. It was already late in the afternoon, I assumed he left, but I was wrong.  
\- Come in - he called from the inside. I entered cautiously and saw him lay in bed with the tablet, reading the reports of my soldier’s time here. - Hey - he greeted me gingerly.  
\- Hi - I sighed drifting towards him. I sat next to him on the side of the bed. - I just came to tell you I’m spending the night with James, he’s just got a new arm installed, we thought about taking it for a round in the gym later. Otherwise, he’s calmed down a little, did you too? - I asked watching his face. He was always an open book, but right now it was like someone cracked him right open for everyone to see. He was uneasy as I touched his arm, wincing, pulling away from me.  
\- I’m not sure what will happen now - he said wary, holding my gaze.  
\- I still want both of you, I want to try - I fiddled with the sheet I was sitting on. - I want you to know that no matter how much more developed my relationship is with him, I still want you and whatever I do with him, it won’t change my feelings for you.  
\- Why? - he cried looking nervous. - I mean why don’t you just say that now that he’s here you want to be with him and that’s it? I can accept that, you don’t have to be afraid of me being upset, I can get over it if you don’t want me, but you can’t tell me things like that and expect me to watch you being with him like that! - he claimed angrily.  
\- I don’t want to be cruel, Steve, but I’m not a liar either - I tried to defend myself, though I admitted he was right in everything he said. It was unfair of me to ask James to share me with Steve and unkind to ask Steve to wait until I figure out how I can be with him without upsetting James. I felt tired of this drama, but I was fully aware that I was the one who created the mess in the first place. - I don’t expect you to stay around and wait if you feel that you can’t do it. I don’t want you to stay if it hurts.  
\- It always did - he grimaced at me and I tried to touch his arm again, this time, he let me. I ran my thumb over the little hairs on his forearm. He looked at me, his eyes telling me he yearned for much more than just this small act of comforting and I couldn’t help but think of how easy it would be to have him come undone under my touch. It would probably take no more than a few minutes, James wouldn’t even suspect what’ve been doing if we kept quiet. I felt bad for having the mere idea of doing this, but I wanted to give Steve something to hold on to, to reward his efforts, I wanted to give him more than words of admiration.  
\- Don’t look at me like that - he shut his eyes in concentration, pulling away from me. I didn’t realize that my emotions have shown on my face. - You should go - he said quietly, opening up his eyes.  
\- I don’t want to leave you like this - I shook my head.  
\- You should - he warned meeting my gaze, hot and heavy, his eyes threatened me with things I knew I shouldn’t want to happen.  
\- Or else? - I asked tilting my chin defiantly, my voice barely above a whisper.

  
It was all it took to push him over the edge, he grabbed me by my neck, throwing me over the bed and he was on top of me before I could draw the first startled breath, his lips were already on mine, his hands tugging at my clothes, desperate to find some skin to feel and mine found their way without thinking to his zipper, hurriedly removing his trousers. He tucked my shirt up and pulled down my bra to get to my breasts, taking a nipple into his hot mouth, grab the other with his large palm just as I got hold of his member, hard and heavy in my touch, drawing an almost animalistic groan from his throat, which made me shiver with want.  
I wanted to resist him, I wanted to push him away, but it was too late for any of that, he pinned me to the bed with his enormous figure, his broad shoulders hiding me away from the world, the smell of his clean, soap-scented skin clouding my mind as his fingers slid into my pants, into my wetness, making me arch into him, squeezing him harder. We moaned in unison biting our lips, knowing we have to hurry and that we have to stay quiet or James may catch us.

 

\- Would you rather have him come over?

Steve’s gruesome voice brought me back into reality, flooding my stomach with guilt and agonizing sexual frustration. He was right, I needed to get back to James before either him or I did something stupid. I stood up.  
\- We will see you at breakfast, come over around 9, we will surely be up by then - I offered dryly, he didn’t look at me. I left in silence. I was afraid I will feel like this until the end of time: torn in every sense.

 

\- How is he? - James asked as I stepped inside the small suite. He seemed genuinely interested in an answer, no hint of irony in his voice, his tone softened as he noticed my pained expression.  
\- What do you think? - I sighed. - He is miserable. He barely even let me touch him - he arched an eyebrow questioningly. - His arm, silly - I answered his untold concern.  
\- Well… - he came closer. - You can always touch my arms if you want to - he offered and I fell between them helplessly, wanting to be comforted after the emotional rollercoaster of the day. I was glad he got back his left too, it’s coldness reminded me of the fact that I was awake, that he was really here with me after all.  
\- You still love me, right? - I asked quietly.  
\- Yes - he nodded, giving a soft kiss on my forehead, breathing in the scent of my hair. - But that doesn’t mean I am not pissed about Steve.  
\- It’s not his fault - I shook my head.  
\- Then who’s is it?  
\- Maybe mine. I shouldn’t have stayed when I started to see the signs.  
\- Maybe I shouldn’t have sent you into his arms - he chimed into the self-blame session. - I mean it all makes perfect sense, he is the good guy, the gentle one, who understands everything, who takes care of everyone, the warrior of justice himself all buffed up and handsome, sure you fell for him after all the stuff I’ve put you through. And Steve, he has a thing for impossible women, you are witty and smart, independent, pretty and fine in every sense and I’m sure you told him off enough times to make him all frustrated about you - he added. - But you are still my girl and I’m not sure if I can just let him have you - he murmured into my hair.  
He seemed to have calmed down, to stabilize and it made me feel a bit better to know he’s fine for the time being, but he left me no time to relax, his hands slid down on my back from the earlier hug, to tease at my sides, fiddling with the hem of my shirt, almost hesitant. I looked up to see his face, but he was already watching me, we locked eyes. It was like he silently asked me if I still wanted him, I saw all his insecurities surfacing and I wondered how I will be able to ever live with myself if I hurt this person.  
\- Before we go to the gym… - he started, taking hold of my shirt, pulling it up. - I thought we could do some catching up - he smirked at me shyly as I let him lift the shirt over my head. His gaze got darker by the second as he took in my half-naked form, reaching around me taking my bra off as pictures of my very recent fantasy of Steve flashed in my mind, but I pushed them away, focusing on the contrast of the touch of his left and right, the way his hair fell on my shoulder and his stubble scratched my chest as his lips trailed down towards my breasts.  
My skin felt tight and my blood boiled up as he caressed my arms with the backs of his hands. It was like having fire on one side and ice on the other, thrilling and special, just like he was. I reached for his top and he let me take it off, pulling down his borrowed sweats in the meanwhile.  
I took a moment to admire his form, after the months of separation I still felt my insides quiver at his sight, his muscular chest, the rippling of his abs, as he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, flexing his right arm, smiling at me coyly, just like he was saying “Like what you see?” and God, was I loving it.  
I was dripping and he hasn't even really touched me yet.  
I quickly got rid of my trousers and panties, and straightening up I spun around for him, playing his game and he bit his trembling bottom lip, eating me alive with his eyes. I loved how his gaze changed when he got excited, how his pupil dilated, overshadowing the calm blue of his irises, but I soon got distracted from them by the way he stroked himself through his briefs. It was my turn now to bit my lip to stifle my moan.  
He turned away and went to sit down on the king bed, removing the last of his clothes and I followed like he was luring me somehow, but I couldn’t help doing so, I needed him and I needed him now.  
I stood between his legs and he lifted his hands to hold me close at my sides, kissing my stomach gently.  
\- I missed this - he breathed onto my heated skin as his metal fingers traced the line of my hipbone, following the V shape my thighs draw towards my center. His cold fingertips teased at my wetness and I felt his lips smile against me. - It seems you did too - he murmured looking up at me temptingly and I dipped my head to kiss his full lips as he dipped his fingers inside of me.  
We both moaned as I fell against him, my knees going weak, unable to support my trembling body, but he was there to catch me with his right arm, holding me steady as he worked magic on me with his left, kissing me into a breathless, wanton mess.  
As we parted he pulled me into his arms, down to the bed, both of us moving so we were comfortable. I laid on my back and he crawled on top of me, attacking my left nipple with his mouth, his right hand coming up my side to cup the other breast not wanting to neglect it either.  
I finally had a chance to touch him too, my right hand massaged the back of his head, while my left raked down his back to come between us and get hold of him nudging my thigh. He sighed blissfully as I swirled my thumb around the tip spreading his precum before I started to pump my palm around him leisurely and after a while, he started to push himself into my fist picking up the rhythm I set. His hot breath came as short pants now as he brought his right hand next to mine, slipping a finger inside me once again, quickly adding a second as he realized I was more ready than he thought.  
He lifted his head from my chest unable to keep torturing me anymore, kissing me briefly but then we were just moaning and grunting into each others’ faces he held my gaze.  
He shut his eyes at some point and removed his hand from me, pulling away mumbling “I can’t” as he positioned himself between my legs and sank into me slowly, steadily. I cried out in pleasure as he filled me up, going all the way without hesitation, setting a gentle pace at the beginning.  
\- Oh God - he muttered into my neck, supporting his weight on both arms, his hips grinding against me. - Kate. So good.

I went with a less coherent set of words and sounds, feeling like I was floating on cloud nine as I held onto his metal arm and tense shoulder for dear life. I couldn’t remember the time I wanted anything other than him loving me like this.  
The room was filled with sounds of flesh slapping against flesh, wet kisses and moans, an occasional swear word hissed here and there, until he suddenly pulled out of me, turning me over my stomach with ease, and before I could whine about the loss of him he was laying on top of me, his weight pushing me into the mattress, his skin wet from the sheen of sweat rubbing against my back as he entered me again from behind.  
I felt him reach around under my arm, taking hold of my neck with his metal fingers cold against my heated skin, burying himself into me from behind in a new angle, his lips kissing where my shoulder joined my neck, then he leaned to my ear, his breath hot against my skin, his muffled grunts driving me crazy.  
\- Now - he began, keeping his thrusts slow on purpose setting into a delicious rocking motion so I could feel every inch of him pulsing inside of me. The stark contrast of cool metal around my throat made me moan as he squeezed at me - Tell me, who do you belong to?  
\- Don’t make me… - I choked out, trying to breathe through his torturously deliberate thrusts, his muscles rippling against the plain of my back as he ground against me, my spine bent into a soft curve trying to angle my hips to get more friction.  
\- Tell me, baby, who do you belong to? - he purred in my ear again, his voice dripping with lust like honey, making me even wetter, my heat gripping him greedily, making him moan and snap his hips into me with just enough force to make me whine his name in response. - I didn’t quite catch that, love…  
\- James - I cried as he squeezed at my neck again and he picked the tempo right up, making me more vocal with his every move. - Fuck, oh, fuck, James! Harder, I… I want it harder, please!  
\- Scream my name, baby, I want him to hear it! - he groaned, his trust short and strong now, his fingers gripping my hip, pushing down at my shoulder bruising and burning as I felt myself tense up, reaching the edge. - I want you to come undone with my name on those sinful lips - he whispered hurriedly, his voice low and possessive, as his movements became erratic on top of me and I screamed his name from the top of my lungs, my orgasm ripped through me, cleaning up all the tension, the deprivation, the guilt, the suffering.

I was wiped clean, forgiven, restored in the blinding white light as he rode out his orgasm on top of me, holding me close, calling my name over and over, until he collapsed on my side, pulling me against him as he grinned in my face still panting.  
\- How was this for some catching up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please let me know what you think about Bucky's reaction, I want to know what you think.
> 
> Also, I promise I will give poor Steve what he deserves soon, I just really needed to have possessive Bucky get his way.


	9. Change of Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I haven't updated in a while, I was on a vacation with my family and honestly was quite stuck with the plot too, so please don't be hard on me because of this.

After our little “catching up” we gave up on going to the gym, stayed in bed instead, talking about how the team was, what I’ve been up to. He asked about everyone, even Stark and the Warmachine guy who got injured in Leipzig, but he avoided speaking about Steve, switching topics or tell a joke when I tried to say something about what he’d done for me. I told him about how I started to train with Nat and how Wanda and I meditated and exercised our minds together, how Sam reacted when we told him we will bring him back. I tried to keep my story about the HYDRA mission as brief as I could even lying a little about it, so he wouldn’t be too concerned.

\- I want to talk about Steve - I finally said it out straight, turning from laying on my back with my head resting in his lap to face him.

\- Do we really have to do this now? - he stroked my cheek still a little dazed after sex. 

\- Yes - I said deciding I’ll not take no for an answer anymore in this matter. - He’s probably packing his bags after the little show you just gave him and I don’t want that. And I know that deep down you don’t want to end your friendship because of this either.

\- I don’t know what you expect from me, Dr. Denham - he mocked me. - I can barely hold myself together as it is and now you’re telling me my best friend wants to jump in bed with us from one day to the other and expect me to be okay with it.

\- Well, first of all, I don’t want him to jump in bed with anyone and sure, for you it seems sudden, but for us, it’s like the time you and I moved to Budapest. We’ve been living together for quite some time now, went through some rough stuff too, it’s still fresh, but we just… want to see if it could work - I tried to find the words. - Steve… he was so protective of me from the beginning, he wanted to make me feel like you never left and by that, I don’t mean he wanted to take your place. He just wanted to fill the hole you left behind. I was a mess, I was living day to day clinging to my mission of curing you and he looked out for me, he gave me home, a family to trust, you have to see that he was never once wanting to take me from you. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to do that now either.

\- You sound like his lawyer - he stated without much emotion.

\- And is it working? - I asked smiling. - I just want you to know that he’s not the bad guy here.

\- Well, maybe he ain’t - he shook his head. - But I still don’t see how this could work. I mean, I wouldn’t let you go over tonight and sleep with him to comfort him or something.

\- Sure - I nodded - And I don’t expect you to, I don’t expect you to give up anything you have with me for him, I’d just like to… have your permission to spend time with him freely, without feeling the constant guilt over it. And that doesn’t mean you can’t be present when I’m with him, I just don’t want all that testosterone and passive-aggressive provocation that you two are doing right now. I don’t want to destroy your friendship.

\- Sure you don’t, baby - he agreed, his face so relaxed, so understanding now. - , but this is a somewhat more difficult test than what we had to endure so far.

\- Really, fighting against him at Triskelion was not much more difficult?

\- That wasn’t like that - he objected. - I was the Winter Soldier then, now I am just Bucky again, and we never had the hots for the same girl back in the day, no girl could have ever been so important so we would fight over her. You are - he smiled at me. If it was a pick-up line, it was totally working. I leaned forward and planted a kiss on his full lips.

\- Does this mean I’m so important that if I tell you to not fight, you won’t?

\- I’ll try, but take it easy, I don’t want to watch you two being… in love or whatever - he frowned at me.

\- If we do anything that makes you uncomfortable or angry or whatever you will tell me, right? 

\- Even the thought of you holding hands makes me feel uncomfortable right now, but… whatever, I’ll try my best to not go crazy or anything - he sighed.

\- It’s gonna be a new experiment, for all of us - I tried to look at the bright side. - And I will appreciate your efforts very very much, I promise - I added tracing my fingers down his chest and abs teasingly. 

\- That sounds good - he smiled at me, staying silent for a second, just looking in my eyes. - I love you, Kate. More than Steve or anything in this world. I love you so much that I’m even willing to share you with another man, so I wouldn’t have to leave you - his eyes slowly filled with sadness again, my heart broke in a single second for him, my hand reaching over to brush his hair out of his face as he dipped it in admission of his feelings.

\- I won’t leave you either, I could never do that, you hear me? You are mine, I made you mine, remember? - I kissed his cheek gently and he held me close as I whispered into his ear. - You are my soldier, my life, my everything. Steve may also be important for me too, but what we have I will never have with him, not in a millennia. I will always love you.

We held each other for long minutes and the world seemed like some distant place, far away and with no effect on us. I knew I can’t tell him that he will always come first for me, but in that moment I had no doubt he did and that if I ever have to choose between them, Steve would understand that too. I really hoped I will never have to.

I already felt bad about letting James have me or more like being so loud about it, I didn’t want Steve to think I was Team Bucky all the way now. If I was I wouldn’t have felt so bad I dreamt of him. I didn’t quite remember what happened in my sleep, I just knew that I failed him, he fell down a dark pit because of me.

 

I woke up feeling sweating and aching with guilt again for Steve. I wondered if it will always feel this way: feeling bad for one if I do something with the other.

As sat up slowly I looked around and saw that James was not beside me anymore, but I heard no noise coming from the bathroom and I couldn’t think of a reason he would go out without waking me up first. I instantly panicked, my heart rate going from 0 to hundred in a matter of seconds. What if he left? Or he had an episode, another nightmare and went out alone, out of control? I have to get Steve, I thought immediately, while I threw on my sweats and a t-shirt from my bag.

I ran over and entered his room with my keycard without knocking or even a second thought.

\- Steve! - I called from the door. - James is… - as I entered I found both of them there, looking at me questioningly which stopped me mid-sentence. James sat on the bed I slept in and Steve faced him sitting on his own. They looked serious and a little bit like people who got interrupted. - I thought you went missing - I explained. - You should have told me where you were going, I got scared.

\- You were sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you - he shrugged. - And anyway, I thought I would be back before you wake up.

\- I see - I nodded forcing my voice to keep low and calm. - And… what are you two doing here? - I asked the million dollar question. Seeing them here, talking like they weren't pissed at each other confused me.

\- Talking - Steve replied motioning next to him with a welcoming smile, inviting me to sit next to them - About you. About the mess we made. Rules.

\- Rules? - I asked cautiously, sitting down next to him. - What rules?

\- Rules of well… - he chuckled. -, loving you, managing this weird relationship we are about to have.

\- Steve and I agree that there has to be some… guidelines to be followed in order to keep our testosterone levels in check, as you put it - James added, smiling warmly, seeing I can’t quite wrap my head around what’s happening around me. Just the night before I thought I was the grown-up in this love triangle and the morning after I’m proven horribly wrong. - So no one gets hurt about the other getting close to you.

\- And how are those guidelines? - I swallowed hard, looking from one man to the other. What the fuck happened while I was sleeping?

\- Well, first of all, we promised we will stop teasing each other. Mainly, I will stop teasing Steve - James admitted. - And he will stop being such a pussy about his feelings - he mocked him grinning.

\- I will try and not get distracted by what you two have and concentrate on what we can have, because I really like you, Kate.

\- Okay, stop - I held my hands up. - What is this? Are you trying to trick me as revenge for me thinking we all can be okay together, that you two could share me? Is this some cruel prank on the cheating girlfriend or something? Because if it is, just tell me to get out now - I demanded. I was feeling confused beyond belief, scared out of my mind of their sudden change of heart.

\- We are serious, baby - James took hold of my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. I just shook my head. - I came over around 3 in the morning, I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking about what we talked about. I came over and we’ve been talking eversince. Steve was about to leave like you said he would - the captain nodded confirmedly as I glanced over him. - I confess, we hit each other a few times, but eventually came to the conclusion that you really are important enough to be worth the mess.

\- Buck wants to say that neither of us is ready to let you go yet - Steve added.

\- You couldn’t stand me touching you just hours ago - I scoffed at him in disbelief.

\- Because I knew you belonged to my best friend, who needs you more than I do! You keep him sane, I couldn’t do that, how could I take away something so precious from him? - he leaned forward asking all the right questions. - Then he came over and in a few hours said I have his blessing, that he is, in fact, willing to share the very thing that means the world to him, your affection, your attention - he smiled over at his friend.

\- Are you really? - I looked over to him too, my eyebrows still furrowed.

\- I still hold what I said earlier, we will need to take it slow, you two will have to take it slow, but yes, if this is what you really want, I am willing to give it a try. I want to move in with the team, I want us to go on with our lives, go on missions with Steve like old times and get back home to you together to tell you all about it. I want you to try and work my mind out and in the meanwhile let this unfold without rushing or anything. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the idea of you together just yet, but I want us to be together. I can’t imagine my life without either one of you, so yeah, we should try to make the best of this all.

I felt overwhelmed by my emotions just listening to him. I felt like I was in a dream from which I couldn’t wake up. I should have felt happy, but I just felt scared of this sudden surge of understanding, of my joy turning out to be false, that it will crumble if I only let myself believe what he said. I felt all my doubts chew away on my soul of hurting them, of being hurt by them, someone leaving. What if in a few weeks it turns out that they can’t take it, what if they turn against each other because of all this?

 

I buried my face into my hands and tried to breathe.

\- Are you okay, Kate? - Steve asked next to me and when I didn’t answer I felt his arms come up around me, folding me into his warm embrace and the bed dip under the weight of the other man sitting on my other side, stroking my thigh, trying to soothe me.

\- I… - I tried to explain myself in a few minutes. - I’m scared of what might happen if something goes wrong.

\- We all are, love - Steve said quietly. - But that’s life, never knowing until we try. And we are here for you, we will try our best, right, Buck?

\- Yes, absolutely - he agreed in a low voice, moving closer, the hard heat of their bodies lulling me into a pleasant numbness. - Everything for my best girl. Our best girl - he corrected gently.

\- I really need to ask T’Challa what’s in the water here, ‘cause I can’t believe you two - I finally managed to look at them. Steve chuckled and James just grinned at me, and I couldn’t help but smile a little too. The blonde leaned in, stealing a look at James before kissing my forehead, then stood up.

\- We should have breakfast - he called stretching his back, making his t-shirt’s hem lift a little, revealing his abs. I reached out and placed my palm on his side involuntarily, like I was asking him to stay a little more, spreading my fingers out on the little ridges of his muscles, trying to convince myself that the heat I felt was real, that this all was real.

\- Yeah, we should - I agreed, pulling away a minute later. Both of them stayed still for a second, but then Steve awkwardly started for the bathroom leaving us as James stood too to step closer to me.

\- I hope you will feel better about this with time - he said quietly taking my hand into his, lifting it up to kiss the back of it. His eyes searched for my gaze, trying to guess how I am feeling. I smiled at him and leaned in to give him a kiss.

\- I am happy you are willing to do this for me, for us - I squeezed his hand. It was obvious he was doing this all for me, to make me happy. - But can you be happy with this?

\- Of course - he said looking me in the eye. - I wouldn’t even consider doing this if it wasn’t you and Steve. He’s my best friend, after all, he brought me back from… you know. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I pushed him away from the woman he loves. You are the first person he really has a chance with after what happened with Peggy.

I heard the story of Steve and Peggy from Nat. He was too shy to act on his feelings and it was already too late when he did. He was making the same mistake with me maybe. Maybe I was doing the same, wanting this so much and getting scared when I finally seem to get it.

\- Please don’t hurt him - he added looking at me a little bit concerned. I was surprised by the way he protected Steve now, just yesterday he made me scream his name to let the captain know I was his and only his.

\- I won’t - I promised, but internally added “Intentionally.” It wasn’t going to be an easy ride for neither of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading it!
> 
> It's one of the shortest chapters for now, but I will try my best to get back into the game. Comments and kudos definitely help me get my mind going!


	10. Experiments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate conducts the first tests on Bucky to find out more about the limits of his programming and later experiments with Steve too, just in a little different manner.

Our time in Wakanda had shortly ended after that curious morning I found them sitting together in Steve’s room. 

The scientist ran a few more tests that day with James’s new arm, with which they were more than satisfied so they let us go two days later. Of course, they warned me to keep him under check and if I experience anything at all, I should just give them a call about it. It felt good to know that I have them as a safety net in case something goes sideways. And trust me, I knew it was bound to go sideways at one point.

Almost immediately after we got home I got to work. I needed to distract myself from them, I needed space. I got scared and I got angry at myself for feeling so. I was the one who wanted them to share, to be okay with all of this and suddenly I am the one who’s not okay. I stayed in my room and had the team furnish another for James, telling him I don’t think it’s fair to Steve if we sleep together anymore. I also avoided all his attempts to lure me into his bed again using Steve as an excuse once again. I knew I was pushing him away and it was even worse with the blonde man. I tried to minimize any contact with him and blame it on the work.

I was trying to install and figure out the programming of the hypnosis machine I salvaged from the HYDRA facility, but there was only so much time I could waste with it before I eventually had to get the subject of the experiment into the research too.

I clicked the button on the voice recorder and set it down next to my computer.

\- It’s gonna be like old times - I promised turning to James sitting before me, looking up at me, though I wasn’t sure of it at all. - I will activate the Soldier like Zemo did. You may loose consciousness for the time being, but I will try to get the program to trigger some memories about your training. He will not hurt me and if he tries, Steve and Sam are here to stop you. Him - I corrected nervously. He reached out and took my hand.

\- I trust you, baby, I know I’m in the best care possible - he smiled, making me even more anxious. I carefully withdrew my hand from his grip as he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes taking a deep breath.

\- You will come back to me - I said quietly needing the reassurance of the words more myself than he did as I took the photocopy of the corresponding page of the Red Book. I cleared my throat and tried to not look at Steve or James. - Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak - I said the words slowly in Russian. I was practicing the phrases for hours to dust off my Russian the night before. His quickening breath, the accelerating beeping of the machines he was put on made me pause.

\- Continue on, Kate - he said through his gritted teeth. He was determined to go through with it, his hands grabbing the armrests of the chair, bracing himself.

\- Furnace. Nine. Benign.  - my voice trembled as he cried out for the first time, but I pushed myself to keep going. - Homecoming. One. Freight Car - I uttered the last word, but as the last syllable left my lips not only James, but I myself felt changed. I felt in charge but was also aware of the danger I was facing. I was the little girl with the pet tiger again as I looked down at him, who was staring into the emptiness. - Soldat? - I prompted and he lifted his gaze to my face.

\- Ready to comply - he said steadily in perfect Russian.

\- Do you remember your name? - he shook his head. - Do you remember me? - he peers up again and nods. - What’s my name?

\- Dr. Denham - he replies and I slap him across the face for it. I sense Steve move behind me, but he doesn’t interfere. - Katerina - he corrects.

\- Good - I switched to English. - How would you like to continue, Soldier? - I ask, taking a few steps back towards my desk to pick up my notepad. He stands behind me and comes after me, his movement completely different from James’s as he rips the sensors off his skin. Now it’s Sam stepping closer and we both look at him. I wave him away with my hand and as he retreats eyeing us with a serious expression, James reaches out for me and I face him. His fingers sneak past the white wings of my lab coat and under the hem of my shirt. He pulls me close maintaining eye contact. Even being unaware his own personality, his gaze softens as he looks down on me. I rest both my palms on his forearms as he leans in, ready to push him away if he tries to hurt me, but instead, he kisses my forehead.

\- How do you feel, Soldier? Tell me what you are thinking - I say quietly, but he just shakes his head. - Tell me with words.

\- No - he says simply.

\- I want you to tell me how you’re feeling, Soldier

\- I step back and grab his chin to turn him to face me.

\- No - he objects me once more, furrowing his brows annoyed.

\- You shouldn’t be able to deny me - I mimic his expression. He shoves me away by my shoulder, stepping back, reaching for his dark tresses nervous now. His body language is turning defensive, his eyes don’t follow me anymore, they trace the floor. I quickly hush my annoyance and go after him. - But it’s okay, James, it’s okay, come here - I call him gently now, but he’s lost, he doesn’t hear me or he doesn’t want to listen. I touch his arm, making him look at my hand, but not my face. I cup his cheek to tilt his head again. - Look at me, baby, it’s okay, I’m not upset anymore, you are good, just come here - I extend my arms to pull him down into a hug and he lets me, giving me the chance to stab the sedative in the side of his neck. He tries to jerk away but immediately relaxes in my arms. Sam catches him before his weight would push me to the floor and I head to the recorder, lifting it to my mouth, ignoring Steve running up to me.

\- Session one. Duration around 10 minutes. Unsuccessful. Subject refuses to comply when being asked questions regarding feelings or personal details. Possibly his access to these answers are limited or non-existent. In light of this, questions and process have to be revised and adjusted. Further investigation of boundaries is highly requested to find out how far his programming goes - I click the button to stop the recording and the minute it does, Steve grabs my arm.

\- What was that? - he questions nervously.

\- A weak start - I answer plainly, not looking him in the eye.

\- He could have snapped if that sedative is not strong enough. And that slap? What was that? - he demands answers pulling me closer when I try to jerk out of his grip.

\- A reminder - I reply glaring at him. - I taught him to use my first name when addressing me, I was supposed to be his partner, not some doctor he could ignore. He tried to disregard me to see if I tiptoe around him still. I don’t. It was a test, he needs an authoritative figure to guide him, to bark orders at him, this is what he was trained to do. If we don’t give him clear orders he gets unstable, you saw that. When I ask irrelevant questions, when I ask something that has nothing to do with killing, of some kind of mission he is useless, he’s separated from that part of his memory, of his brain, he obviously got confused because he couldn’t comply which is incompatible with his program.

  
  


\- Then how could you get him attached to you before? Before Triskelion?

\- That was physical triggering, basic human instinct, a reminder to allow himself to feel that very basic belonging. It took a long time to get myself to embed into his mind, but it does not mean he can remember it forever, that it will stay inside that limited space where the information he can access as the Winter Soldier is kept - The confusion on his face made it obvious that he didn’t quite get what I was talking about. - Okay - I sighed trying to tone it down a little for him. - Imagine Bucky’s mind as an infinite space where all his memories, thoughts, instincts, persona, everything he is is stored. In this infinite space, there is a room which is assigned for the Winter Soldier. When James is activated as the Soldier, it’s like he’s put into that room, locked from the outside. He can work only with the information and stuff that was put in the room for him during his programming or somehow sneaked inside, like I sneaked my memory into his brain, nothing more. Sometimes there was information from one mission stuck in the room that was not needed there anymore getting the room crowded or some stuff from outside the room got inside and made him curious about the other side of the door, upsetting him. That was when HYDRA brought in the memory suppressing machine, to clean out irrelevant information from the room before they put him in there again. But since it was a while since he was wiped last time, the room filled up and it was hard for him to place me maybe. But it seems I am still in that room since he didn’t harm me, our connection is still intact. I can work with that.

\- How? - he asks, still processing my metaphor. The way he furrows his eyebrows in concentration does things to my aching body, but I try to focus on explaining my plans.

\- I just have to get him to describe the room to me. I need to know where the walls are, where the door is to break it down for good. I need to find the borders of the hypnosis and then redefine them, push them out as much as I can, until it ceases to exist.

\- It sounds very… abstract - he frowned at me.

\- Well it is, it’s all quite flexible and uncertain at this stage. It’s going to be long and  hard. And I will probably mess up more times than I should in the process, but let’s just hope it will be worth it - I sighed, smiling at him.

\- Okay - he agrees, then he tries to say something else but Sam interrupts him.

\- Guys, he’s waking up - he calls from the other side of the room where we set up the “Rehab” with a military style hospital bed with upgraded confines in case he has trouble with readjusting, but fortunately, there was no struggle against the metal bands, he woke up gradually and calmly.

\- Hey, stranger, everything okay? - I asked gently taking his wrist to feel his pulse. It was slow and steady, promising.

\- What was this? - he asks slowly looking at me.

\- First round. Proved some of my hypothesizes. 

\- Such as? - he peered up at me like he cared.

\- Such as there is still hope you can be unfucked.

\- Unfucked? - he chuckled weakly.

\- How did my mother die? - I looked at him serious now. This was kind of a security question that we agreed on for occasions I couldn’t decide if he was himself or not.

\- She didn’t, at least you don’t know if she’s still alive, you never knew her - he answered gently and I push the button to release him from the confines.

\- Do you remember everything that just happened?

\- Yeah, Katerina, too damn well actually - he reached up to touch his cheek where I hit him before. - Natasha really taught you how to hit.

\- I learned from the best - I grinned. - But now, back to square one. Can you go again?

\- Again? - he looked at me a bit shocked as he sat up.

\- Well, this was just the warm-up - I shrugged. - Why? Are you hurt? Do you feel something odd?

\- No, I just… I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this again and again - he suggested cautiously. - Take a short break, maybe tell me what’s your plan here?

\- That’s a good idea, let's take a break - Steve added helping Bucky up from the bed. - Beer?

\- You know just what I need, bud - he chuckled all smiley now, but I was fixed on getting things done.

\- I don’t think it’s a good idea to get the Soldier drunk, we have work to do - I stopped them on their way out, annoyed. - So keep that beer alcohol free and very brief, would you?

\- We are both superhumans, remember, Kate? We don’t get drunk - Steve smirked at me over his shoulder. They both laughed at me as they exited. I was happy to see them together, but I wasn’t completely overjoyed about the jokes they played on me. I blamed the frustration of all of us. 

It was obvious that the way I kept my distance drove them both crazy, but it started to go a little too far now and I knew that I should do something about it. I just couldn’t decide what.

\- They sure seem happy for two dogs chewing the same toy - Sam said behind me, making me jump a little. I almost forgot he was standing there as the boys went out. His tone wasn’t really offensive, he was joking, but I still felt a little sting in the way he said it.

\- Well, they are at least on the same page. The toy? Not so sure how to handle the situation - I sighed sitting down on the bed James just left.

\- Maybe stop running? - he suggested coming closer, his voice and posture a little softer now. We never really had a one on one talk with Sam before and I wasn’t sure how he saw our… well, quite a unique situation. 

\- Then what? - I looked at him tiredly. - If I stop running… I don’t know, Sam. I don’t really know how to manage this.

\- Well, if you can’t think of a solution maybe you should stop thinking. What do you think, how do we survive on the battlefield? We think through the possible solutions, analyze them and pick the best one and execute it? Hell, no - he shook his head. - Love is a battlefield too and there is not much thinking there, you just do what you can, what feels natural, what seems best. Do we always make the right move? No. Do we not make mistakes? Sure we do, but there is no other way than doing it over and over and hope we made the right choice - he shrugged as he sat down next to me. - You made a choice, they accepted it, but that’s not the end, you have to go ahead and keep making choices every day. First and foremost if you really want them like this. And if you do, stop thinking, stop waiting, just get in there and kick their asses. Especially that long-haired, metal-armed bastard - he grinned at me.

\- Wow - I smiled back surprised. - Who would have thought that the Falcon gives the best advice on bloody love-triangles? - I joked.

\- I know, I have many hidden talents, no need to thank me - he mocked modesty. - Seriously, though, stop waiting, cause I don’t know about Bucky, but Steve has no chill when it comes to you. He has no clue how to talk to a woman under normal circumstances, not to mention this hot mess you are living in now, but I assure you he wants this to work more than anything. Ask Nat for details, she’s his psychiatrist, but even as his friend I can see that he wants it bad. 

\- I want it bad too, it’s not that. I just… I don’t want to hurt them.

\- Well, even if you do, you can always apologize… - he offered. - It’s better to try and make them happy and sometimes hurt them a little than not doing anything and still hurt them. It’s all about balance, you see - I chuckled. - I sound like one of those life-coaching books, right? - he looked over at me and I nodded letting my laugh out. - Hilarious - he joined in.

\- Yeah, but actually, I think you are right. I mean, thank you, you might just given me an idea of something that could help.

 

I just needed to get Steve alone. We haven’t really talked about us since Bucky woke up and a little one-on-one was definitely due with him too. I had the talk with James, but not with him and I wanted to know what they have discussed too. I was sure it would be a hundred times easier to get straight answers and full honesty from the captain than my soldier who was a master of bullshitting, so when the boys returned interrupting our little talk with Sam I had a plan already taking shape in my mind. 

\- How are you feeling, darling? - I stood  and walked over to James, turning back on my way to give a thankful smile to Sam. He winked at me reassuringly.

\- Bit better, ready to go if you still want to - he replied as I sneaked my hand up on his forearm to rest it on his biceps.

\- Actually, I changed my mind, I was rushing this all a little, I realize now - I admitted it. - Maybe we can take out time, continue tomorrow? I think I have to go to the library, get some more files from the HYDRA archives, you wanna come? - I looked over to Steve addressing both of them. I knew James will never come to the library with me, but with Steve, it was kind of our thing. I pleaded with my eyes silently for him to join.

\- I think I’ll pass today, but you have fun - James answered just how I expected. - Maybe when you come back we can try again? - he offered. I gave him a peck on the cheek.

\- Eager to please me, are we, soldier? - I teased him. - Maybe you could go work this arm a little more in the gym in the afternoon - I smoothed my fingers over his metal limb looking into his eyes suggestively. 

\- Sounds like a plan - he winked at me, his gorgeous lips spreading into a smirk as he kissed my cheek gently looking over to Steve. - Why don’t you go with Kate to the library, you just said that you ran out of reading material.

\- I was having the same idea, actually - Steve agreed thoughtfully and as Bucky led me towards the door asking me to show him the gym I caught his gaze lingering on me questioningly. I blew him a kiss and laughed at him as Sam offered to train with James while we are gone. They quickly got into a fight over who will kick who’s ass, but all I could think about what I will be spending my afternoon with.

 

We usually went to the library by public transportation, we took the bus since the nearest was just a few stops away the road was easily passed by with small talk, so I didn’t have to immediately bring up what I wanted to talk about to him. We talked about the weather, how James was settling in and the fact that Nat and Wanda just went on their first very own mission together. 

The library itself was quite old and not so busy, perfect for a quiet afternoon or if you wanted to hack worldwide criminal organizations. The librarian, a mid-aged man already greeted us like old friends which made me think that we should probably switch libraries just to be safe. No one wanted to get busted because of going to the same library every week. 

We split up shortly after browsing through the weekly recommendations section together, Steve heading to the documentaries and history books while I sat down to one of the PC-s like I usually did. I got into the archives easily now and toyed around for like 10 minutes then stood and went after him.

 

The history section is usually not the busiest part of any library, but since this library was not even popular or big enough to have people  lurking around pointlessly, 3 or 4 rows of books were totally abandoned before I reached the one Steve was standing in. 

\- Done already? - he asked looking up from the book he was going through. He put his index finger on the page as a bookmark before he closed it to show me the cover. - Look, they have a book about me - he smiled. He was pictured in his old uniform there with the rest of the Howling Commando. Bucky had his signature smile on too of course and his flesh and bone left arm holding a large gun in a real badass way. I stepped closer to him and took the book from his hands like I wanted to read into it, but I only opened it to check the page number. - I haven’t seen it before, but there is a full chapter about Bucky and me here, I’ll take this, maybe it could… -  he trailed off as I put it down next to us and reached up to circle my arms around his neck, bringing him down to kiss him. My heart beat in my throat and I felt he was surprised at first, but as I asked for entrance to his mouth, he relaxed slowly; his lips parted for me and his arms came around my waist to hold me against him, gently, carefully embracing me.

\- What are we doing, Kate? - he asked in a husky voice as we parted to get some air, not giving any sign of wanting to let me go. 

\- Taking the time we have alone - I breathed onto his lips before I bit down on the lower one to coax a quiet moan from him. I wanted to do that for a long time and his reaction made it well worth it. - I just can’t take it anymore - I confessed quietly.

\- What? - he asked back confused, cupping my cheek with his large palm, leaning against the wall behind him, pulling me with him. - What is it you can’t take?

\- The distance, the way I have to keep away from both of you so no one gets hurt - I started out. - , I’ve had enough. I want to be with you, Steve, and I want to be with James, I don’t want to sleep alone at night, I don’t want to hide away like this like I’m cheating on him. I just feel that I always have to choose one of you over the other and I don’t want to, don’t expect me to keep choosing between you, I want you both to choose me! I need someone to take charge to make the decisions now because I can’t do it alone anymore, I’m just trapped. I tried to take care of both of you, but I just hurt you more; I can’t do it all alone, I need you to take charge and say and take what you want and don’t apologize to anyone for doing so, Steve, I need you both to decide if you want me and act on it - I demanded fisting his navy blue t-shirt, the words tearing the places open inside me, where I crammed my feelings into for so long. Sam made me realize that if I can’t control it anymore, I have to give it up, give it away, I have to let go of saving the world, of solving  this all alone and trust them finally with my whole being, letting them control me.

\- Do you really want me to do what I want? - he tilted my head so we faced each other. In his eyes, I saw the wildness appear again and even in the dim shadows of the high shelves around us, a spark of danger shone in them that made me more curious than anything, that I knew was there because of me, just for me. - Do you really want us to be in charge? Do you really want me to take what I want, to let go of the restraint I attested? Because once I let go, I feel I won’t be able to stop myself, Kate - his low voice trembled with tension, his hands holding me so still I knew this is as serious a question as it can be. - Because I either keep holding back for both of your sakes or I let go, but when I do there will be no going back, I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine and I will not play games anymore, I will not hide away, not even for Buck. Do you understand what I’m saying, Kate?

I felt the air he breathed out as he spoke spread out on the side of my cheek and I inhaled the smell of his familiar soap, fresh and crisp like he just stepped out under the shower and felt his heart beating fast under my hand still knotted in his t-shirt. His closeness, his voice all clouded my mind, he hypnotized me almost, but I had to think of James too. I will have to tell him the new rules too. He gave me all the control when he told me, he couldn’t leave me, even if he wanted to, but I wasn’t going to betray his trust like this. He had to know that I gave in, that I’m about to submit myself to the both of them before I said the words out.

\- Yes - I finally spoke as I was looking at his broad chest rising and fall as he breathed under my hand, against me, I felt his muscles move with every passing second, how his body sang to me about the sweet love he would be making to me. - And I want all of that - I cleared my throat trying to drag myself out under his spell. - I don’t want you to hold back anymore, I really want you to have what you want and I am willing to give everything I have to offer…

I was cut off by his lips crashing against mine before I could add the part with the “but”. He was devouring me, like the first time, and it really felt like drawing the first breath after holding back for so long and when we parted I wanted him more ever.

\- We really need to sit down and talk about this, all three of us - he breathed out finally breaking the silence as he ran his fingers through his locks. - God, I want you - he sighed almost pained as he looked at me again. He brought me into yet another kiss, then pulled away a little to collect himself. He took a few steps away, turning his back on me, inhaling deeply. 

I felt cold without him.

\- What would you do to me, if… you could? - I asked quietly, my voice wavering with excitement. I knew I was playing with fire, but I couldn’t help it. He turned a little to look at me. His gaze alone was enough to warm me up again and this time, instead of guilt I felt a more pleasurable tension building in my body.

\- First of all - he started keeping his eyes on me. - I would take you against that wall, right here - he motioned behind me. I bit my lip feeling the cold concrete press to my heated skin, pictures flashing in my mind. - Would you like that, Kate? - I nodded trying not to seem too eager, but I knew I must be blushing so hard he knows full well how I’m feeling about his words. He took a step towards me, not letting go of my gaze for a single second. He reminded me of some kind of predator circling his prey and his little mischievous smile did nothing to go against that impression. - Then... I would take you home and put you in my bed for the weekend and make you call my name over and over and over - he rolled the words off his tongue sinfully slow, taking a step towards me with each one, finally standing right in front of me again. - just like He did in Wakanda, so he would know that you belong to me too now, that I can make you feel just as good as he can - he ran his hand up on my side to curl his fingers into my hair, pulling at it, making my neck arch so I would look up at him, breathless and willing, as he whispered into my face once more. - Would you like that, Kate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please if you feel like it, don't hesitate to leave me comments and kudos! <3


	11. What Doesn't Kill You...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!
> 
> I'm so sorry I wasn't able to update the story lately, but I had a mini-block of inspiration, I had a lot of stuff going on personally and at work too, so I had no time... :(
> 
> But I don't want to make excuses, just a promise for the future: I'll try my best to continue on and update every once in a while. :)  
> Also, thank you so much for your support, all the views and the comments and kudos, they mean the world to me to have this many of you reading what I'm writing. You keep me inspired and going with your words! :)
> 
> So without further ado, here comes Chapter 11

I nodded my head yes one more time before he pushed his lips against mine softly, making me arch against his hard body, desperate for some kind of contact.

\- Then all you have to do is ask - he pulled away, giving me a last telling look.

Then he grabbed the book from the shelf and walked away towards the exit leaving me alone and trembling against the wall with the history books. I needed a minute to collect myself so I could go after him. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the way he changed from one minute to the other. At one second he was shy and understanding and a true gentleman, the next all I could see was how he yearned to be set free, to take, to possess me and I just couldn’t keep up. Another thing about him reminding me of James.

Finally, I started towards the reception desk of the library to find Steve, but before I could reach the little reading area I felt a sharp stab of pain in my lower back making me fall on my knees immediately. Someone grabbed me by my waist and I was lifted off the ground unable to defend myself, unable to move, the only thing I could do was scream out Steve’s name and then the world turned black rendering me unconscious.

 

* * *

 

 

\- So you say that she was in the company of Steve Rogers? Captain America? - I heard a man’s voice.

\- Yes, sir. She was most likely used to gain intel about different HYDRA operations through data mining in our systems. She had access to some high-level classified information, Rogers fought really hard to get her back, but our agents overpowered him - explained someone else making my eyes pop open, just to make me close them again in pain. I was under some seriously sharp light.

\- Sir, I think she is coming to - sounded a third, female voice directly beside me.

\- Good - he replied. - Good. - his voice came closer, sounding almost familiar. - Katerina?

I would have recognized his intonation from a thousand other. I squeezed my eyes shut, I wanted to stay dead or unconscious or whatever I was until now. Because knowing HYDRA had me was one thing but having my father here was even worse. I haven’t seen him in years, not since I started working with the Winter Soldier and betrayed all he raised me to take over from him.

\- Katerina, darling, it’s obvious from your vitals that you are just pretending to be asleep, open your eyes, please - he called primly.

I complied and as my eyes got used to the bright white walls reflecting the crisp light I looked at him. He still looked old and very wise with his trimmed gray beard, stern brown eyes and slicked back hair. He wore a gray suit and a blue tie, like some fancy lawyer, but he was no lawyer. He was a criminal mastermind.

\- Don’t look at me like that - he muttered to me. - I spent way too much time and too many favors to get you back to safety from those people.

\- I was fine - I growled on my still raspy voice. - Why did you kidnap me?

\- Because I’m your father - he replied with a hint of annoyance in his tone. I always loved pushing his buttons, even before I realized he was... HYDRA. - How did you get into their possession?

\- It may be hard to understand for you, but I’m not something to be possessed - I stalled. My mind slowly roared up, my brain on fire, thoughts shooting around, trying to work out a story that would explain everything.

I obviously couldn’t say that I was with Steve & Co. of my own free will, I certainly couldn’t say I was in love with Captain America either, I had to act like I was still HYDRA. I was on my own mission of… destroying the world, killing people, getting money or power or whatever HYDRA is doing these days. I was tracking down the Winter Soldier. My life’s work. Yes, I was just trying to make my daddy proud by getting back their asset.

\- I needed to track down the Soldier.

\- And you needed 5 years to do that? The Soldier is not an asset since Triskelion. He fell off the map Katerina.

\- No, he didn’t. I had him. I was in fucking hiding - I sat up, fully in character now. - he was protecting me from YOU!

\- Me? - he scoffed at me. He didn’t believe a word I said, at least he tried not to.

\- HYDRA! Or did you forget that how they tried to repay me for making him blindly loyal to me?! They kept me in a dark cell and tested if he would kill me eventually, but he got me out of there because you didn’t even care about where I was or if I was even alive! If it was for you I would be dead, so thank you, I would rather be Rogers’s captive than an asset of yours in restoring your conscience! - I ripped out the wires from my arms and torso, making the machines go crazy on their other ends. Blood spritzed to the floor where he stood a little bit stained his black shoes. On film it usually looked so much cooler when they did this, for me, it just really hurt and messed up my hospital gown. - Where are my clothes? - I bared my teeth in pain and started for the door. I knew I wouldn’t get far, but I had to make the impression I didn’t just rip out those cables because I was afraid my heart rate would betray me with the lies I was telling.

\- Sit back, Katerina - he stopped me dryly by my shoulder, looking down on his ruined shoes. He shook his head slowly then looked up at me as he pushed me back on the bed. - Why were you at a library with Steve Rogers using HYDRA databases?

\- Well, I obviously wasn’t there willingly. Rogers - I had to force myself not to call him Steve every time I mentioned him. - was trying to track down the Soldier too, he wanted me to get the info for him and I needed the information they had to find him before they did. I stayed in their “possession” because it was the only way I could infotrade them. I had a perfectly fine exit plan for when I was done using them.

\- I imagine you planned them capturing you too? - he raised an eyebrow looking interested now. If I didn’t know him I would even say he seemed impressed. He waved to a nurse standing obediently by the door to take care of my bleeding chest and arm.

\- No, that I didn’t plan - I shook my head. - They attacked the facility I was working in and took me with them in hopes of getting some intel. You must have heard that a special faction was completely destroyed and emptied in Oceania.

\- Yes, I heard, but I didn’t know you were working there. Why is that?

\- Well, maybe you should ask yourself that - I shrugged mocking him as the nurse put on the last of the band-aids to cover up the mess I caused. - Maybe it was such a secret even you couldn’t know about it. I don’t know. I used a fake name, you can check the files for Dr. Katherine Denham.

\- Using your mother’s name, I see - he muttered a bit hurt.

\- Well, I can’t really use Katerina Orlova because it comes with too much baggage: it makes people assume I am a mob member and/or that I speak Russian, which I really don’t.

\- You just refuse to - he scoffed.

\- Well, you can snort at me all you want, but I really suck at it.

\- Anyway, back to the task at hand - he sighed tiredly. - Did you find the Winter Soldier or not?

\- No - I answered without thinking. - Not yet at least. Why?

\- Because we will need him for what’s next - he replied a bit mysteriously. I furrowed my brows. Did he really have no idea where James could be? - And we need him under the control of someone we can trust wholly.

\- You mean me? - I asked surprised. Why would he trust me with a task I failed before? I wouldn’t trust me.

\- Well, you - he started reluctantly. - , if you pass the tests and finally go through with your training.

\- What do you mean?

\- The standard entry training for any HYDRA agent - he stated like it was obvious. I knew he always wanted me to become a fully operational field agent, but I never finished the examinations. And I wasn’t about to do it now.

\- I can’t - I shook my head. - I’m way too old. And it would take months for me to get ready for it - I tried to reason, but he just smiled at me bitterly.

\- Always with the excuses - he sighed. - But fortunately for us, there is a new way to qualify, there is a two-week intensive training method under testing. First 7 days are physical and martial, the second half is all psychological, but with that part, you are more than familiar.

\- Why would I undergo this whole thing when I can simply go out there and continue looking for the Soldier without it? Control him anyway? I don’t understand why I would be interested in your plan - I crossed my arms in front of my still aching chest. How can I get out of here? I kept asking myself. I obviously can’t just leave or bust myself out from wherever we were, my father knows me better than trusting me to obediently stay where I am.

He chuckled at me like I said something funny.

\- I think we both know that you have no other choice than to do as you are told if you want to get back your little boyfriend - he smiled at me almost wickedly. I was caught off-guard by his confidence in the information of James being my boyfriend, instantly betraying myself. - You look surprised, Katerina.  You really thought I wasn’t searching for you, watching you all this time? You are my family, my only daughter and I kept a close eye on you, sweetpea, how you were hiding out with that man, how you made him exactly what you wanted him to be: a domesticated beast.

\- He’s not a beast - I hissed at him. How could he have possibly known where I was, that I was with him? His knowing smile made me even more nervous. How much does he know?

\- Oh, he is, Katerina, nothing shows it better than the way you lost him. He found a new master to serve, someone who used him for what he is: a lethal weapon. Someone strong took him from you, someone who deserved to be in charge of a real beast.

\- The only beast I’ve ever known is you! - I screamed at him. - Don’t you dare call him… anyone a monster again, when you are no better! - I sprang onto my feet, ready to stand my ground, forgetting all mind games, but I was still played.

\- This is my little girl! - he called overjoyed by seeing me angry. - My fiery little girl, now we can talk, like father and daughter, being our real selves.

\- Fuck off - I growled. Turning away, trying to calm myself. I have to get out of here.

\- There is nothing wrong with being in love, Katerina - he started off blandly. - I was in love once, it gave me the greatest joy, an heir, you! And I don’t want to use this against you, in fact, I only want you to find your lover again, I will not tear you apart, you will be in charge of him always, however you mean to be with him, you can. I only need him in our possession, to know he is in the right hands, your hands, sweetpea.

\- Why do I hear a “but” hanging in the air when you say that? - I looked at him over my shoulder. I didn’t trust a single syllable he said, but I had to act like he was right on his way to convince me. I had to protect my family, my men.

\- There are no buts, just a single condition: you have to finish your training to be qualified to take over my position - he said simply. Like he wasn’t asking for me for anything special, just to give up my life and carry on his legacy in a criminal organization.

\- Your position? Why? What will you be doing?

\- I will have a bit of increase of responsibilities on a higher level in the future. I need someone I can trust to be my right hand and take care of business when I won’t be able to and I can’t trust anybody more than blood.

My father is a smart man. He is careful in everything he does, he submits his people to continuous testing, small quests and tasks to see if they could be trusted. I’m no exception. What is my test? Is this it? Submitting myself to HYDRA training, agreeing to take on his mantle? He must know I wouldn’t do that just like that. Will he be continuously watching my every move throughout this? Surely. I was confused by his attitude, but wasn’t I always? I felt like I was tiptoeing in a swamp where every step could mean I will get sucked down into a slow and certain death or at least get stuck for a long time if I’m not careful enough. I didn’t really like the idea of getting stuck in this particular swamp.

\- I want to start the training, I could use some new tricks, protect myself - I gave in looking at him suspiciously and he flashed me the softest, most gentle smile I’ve encountered from him since I was 5 years old.

\- I knew you will come around if we find you the right motivation - he said satisfied with himself. I had no idea what his real plan was, but I had to get out of the swamp and he had the means to get me through it.

\- But I will have no one telling me what to do. Or the Soldier. He’s all mine. - I started with my conditions. - And I handpick the team I’m working with.

\- After you complete the training, yes.

\- How do I know this is not one of your little tricks? - I finally said out loud what I was thinking about all along.

\- Just like I know that this isn’t one of your little tricks, Katerina - he smiled at me mysteriously as always.

\- Then… - I sighed heavily. - When do we start?

\- Tomorrow. I’m putting you under until then, sleep while you can, sweetpea - he waved again to the nurse, who came back to my side without a word and reattached the cables I tore out before and in minutes I fell back into the numb, ignorant sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When I woke I found myself in an empty room lying on a gray concrete floor. The ceiling was painted black and around me, naked brick walls completed the scenery. As I sat up I saw a door at the far end, looked heavy, made of metal and painted red. Certainly not freshly, it looked weary, damaged and overall not so inviting. I also spotted two cameras in the corners.

\- What the…? - I murmured to myself not sure how I got from a sterile hospital bed to a windowless cell while I was sleeping. The wounds on my arm from tearing out the cables before were faded, almost gone. Looks like daddy dearest really wanted me to start the training as fast as I possibly could, even if it meant drugging me into health.

The door was unlocked with a loud noise, then opened up before a man dressed in black. Only when I looked at him I realized my clothes were also changed into a similar-looking elastic jumpsuit.

\- Welcome, Ms. Orlova - he greeted me with a smile and a strange accent. Another man appeared behind him bringing on an injection needle and some pills with a glass of water. - Please allow Agent Lloyd here to inject you with the serum and take the pills before we start.

\- What kind of serum is it? - I asked warily. - And what are the pills for? What are we going to start?

\- Your training, of course - he smiled pleasantly. - The serum and pills help the body to adjust faster to the elevated demand for energy and increases your stamina, it’s needed for the completion of the training.

\- What’s in it?

\- Vitamins - I bet they are.

\- How long does it affect the body? - I asked. I wasn’t going to let them inject me with that shit I saw in Oceania. No matter how I wished I could keep up with Nat or Steve and James, I wasn’t about to become a supersoldier too.

\- Ms. Orlova, enough with the questions - he called pleadingly.

\- Where is my father? - I got nervous seeing Agent Lloyd probing the injection next to me. - I want to talk to him before anything happens.

\- Agent Lloyd - the man prompted looking at him, his face changed from scary pleasant to scary serious as Agent Lloyd waved towards one of the cameras, summoning 3 more men, who came directly at me, stumbling to escape, but we all knew there was nowhere to run. It took no more than a minute to get me still in their grips, growling and kicking as Lloyd emptied the injection into my bloodstream. It took another five to get me to swallow all 3 pills they wanted me to take. My head was already spinning, but I couldn’t decide if it was the pills, the serum or just the adrenaline raging in me as I struggled in the grip of 6 strong arms.

And it was only the beginning.

As soon as I have taken all medication needed and gradually stopped struggling against my captors they’ve let me go and left along with Lloyd, so I was left alone with the man dressed in black. He reminded me of Clint a little, being all serious and down to business now, but I suspected I won’t be able to see his fun side anytime soon. Instead, he explained to me that I will be undergoing some seriously intense attacks to get my system used to it.

Turns out it meant getting so beaten up by him that I just don’t remember when I fainted. I recall trying to fight him off, but unlike Nat or Steve, he wasn’t really holding back with me and I was clearly not up to the challenge just yet, so in relatively little time I ended up on the floor, trying to ask him to stop, but he wasn’t going to. At some point, everything just went black.

The next day I woke up at the same spot, surprisingly without all the blood and pain I expected. They bathed me and either they really made me a supersoldier or just were incredibly talented in treating serious injuries. Probably just as much as Mr. Black (as I referred to him in my mind) was very talented in causing those same injuries.

It seemed like a week when I finally managed to keep myself on my two feet for more than twenty minutes. He also started to yell orders at me or maybe more like words, like “Hands” “Coward” “Kick me” “Harder”. And I kicked and I punched and I felt myself getting stronger as time passed, but with the pain and sweat and blood gone every time I woke up, it felt unnatural.

I felt out of my skin without the marks of my previous failures. I didn’t know how much time passed since I was put in there and I wasn’t sure for how long I was out between sessions. I also couldn’t decide if me getting stronger, getting better was thanks to the serum they injected me with and the pills I took every time I woke up. After the fifth session, I didn’t even flinch as Lloyd pumped that thing into my vein and I swallowed the pills without a word. There was no use in fighting it, I was the one who agreed to do this, I was the one who let my father play me once again. And I was the one who was failing her family.

I mean my real family of soldiers and warriors who must be worried sick and probably fighting to get me back somehow. I could only imagine how James reacted when he found out I was gone and how guilty Steve must felt when he failed to protect me, but I didn’t know if I wanted them to try and find me. It was too dangerous. James exposing himself in front of my father would mean this whole thing is useless. We won’t ever be reunited if he gets his hands on him first; if he finds out I was lying all along. I need to get out of here on my own and in this case, it couldn't be more obvious that the only way to get out is to go straight through this.

So I kept up, I tried to shut out everything other than the thought of finishing the hell ride I was on, to get on with it.

\- Getting better, Ms. Orlova - Black said to me leaning down to smooth out my blood-drenched hair from my face after he put me down once again. I spat blood on his face, making him laugh and stand up wiping it off with the sleeve of his jumpsuit as he was walking away from me. His laughter was silenced as I raised back to my feet. I felt no pain anymore, I just felt my muscles moving under my thin, stained skin, felt the blood drip down on it, the way it dried and I swear I smelled his shock filling the air for a second. - You are a quick learner - he stated before he waved to one of the cameras. - Now we can start the next phase.

As if on cue, Agent Lloyd returned with a needle and I let him inject me with the usual stuff. Or at least I believed it was the usual until I felt the familiar sting and sudden dizziness from the library and collapsed onto the floor.

The next time I gained consciousness I was in a large room all healed up again, at a shooting range as I recognized it, sat in front of a table with different weapons laid out on it and a voice guiding me around from the speakers.

It was a shooting test. I hit the bull's eye like a dream every time, no matter the distance or the rifle. So that’s heightened vision. I was pretty sure I would be beating Hawkeye in his own game with this stuff. Next injection from Lloyd, another blackout. I was moved to different places after that with different tasks and tests to finally be put back in the same room I started in, but instead of Black, I had another visitor in a few short hours: Steve Rogers in person, all wrapped up in an American flag as Captain America, coming to save the day.

\- Steve? - I raised to my feet effortlessly.

\- Come on, we have to hurry - he waved to me half in and half out the door, looking at the corridor watching out for guards. I approached him, but as I took in his whole figure I started to doubt what I saw. He got his shield with him. The shield that he left in Siberia.

\- Steve, what is that in your hand? - I asked pausing on my way, my thoughts already working out different scenarios to explain what I was seeing.

\- My shield. What does it look like? - he looked back at me smiling softly, like when I’ve asked something silly. My heart was shrunk into a small ball of pain as I looked at him, he looked so real, he looked just like the man I left in the library, the man who I wanted to hold so much, but it wasn’t him. He was another simulation, a test, the serum or whatever they gave me made me more aware of everything, made me think faster, less emotional, quicker to act.

\- Give me your gun, Steve - I requested quietly, holding out my hand. - I need to defend myself on the way out - I added for show and he handed me the weapon without a word, smiling gently. As he turned to be on his way, I cocked the gun and aimed it at his back. I really hoped I was doing the right thing.  - I’m sorry - I muttered to myself inhaling slowly before I pulled the trigger. Steve collapsed forward to the floor from the hit to his spine. I only exhaled as I turned the body with my foot and saw no blood under it. I felt nothing for the person, the projection of the person I love which confused me.

I went back to the room and sat back to my spot on the concrete floor looking up expectantly at the camera.

I was shaking silently as my emotions finally kicked in, but I furrowed my eyebrows in determination to keep myself from tearing up, trying to divert my disturbance into anger towards my captors, my masters.

As I sat there staring in front of me, waiting for the next test I finally had time to think and kind of register what I was going through. I had many questions and even more worries. How did they know that seeing Steve would fool me like this, how did they know I want to see him so badly, to save me? Why didn't they send James instead?

How do they even do it, how is this all working? Am I being mind controlled with the pills and the serum or is it some kind of giant piece of virtual reality that I was put into? Is it all just an illusion, that’s why I don’t feel pain? Did they change my perception of time? Because it felt like a month I’ve been here rather than a week. Is my body getting stronger, my muscles beginning to show development also just part of the make-believe? How will they proceed from here?

What comes after this Hell?

Soon I was about to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> If you liked it and want me to continue, leave me comments and kudos for fuel!


	12. Safe and Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all have our personal Hells assigned to us and Kate never thought she would meet her so soon.

\- Compliance will be rewarded, Katerina - my father kept saying from behind me as the patterns and shapes changed before my eyes without pause. I was sobbing, tears streaming down my face as my eyelids were taped open to keep me looking in front of me.  
The room they transferred me into after I shot fake-Steve, looked hauntingly familiar, but by the time I realized why, I was strapped to a metal rack, unable to escape.  
My father showed up soon after I started to go hoarse from screaming for him.  
\- It’s going to be fine, sweetpea - he promised planting a fatherly kiss on my forehead as he smoothed his right hand over my dark hair. - It will take only a few hours if you comply.  
\- I will never forgive you if you do this to me now - I screamed at him. - , I promise you, no matter how many times you wipe my mind clear, I will never forget this, Father, I will never…  
\- Compliance will be rewarded, my dear Katerina - he repeated it, like some magical mantra that would calm me and convince me of him being right. - , it will be so much easier if you only accept this - he whispered stroking my hair one last time before disappearing from my vision and the patterns started to play.  
\- You promised! - I screamed without use.  
It was the same tech that I salvaged from Oceania just bigger and newer. The wall before me was slightly curled and the patterns were projected onto it from floor to ceiling, so even in my peripheral vision, I had to see them move around and hypnotize me, making me feel sleepy and way too awake at the same time. I tried to look away, I tried to roll my eyes back into my skull, to look downward, struggled against the heavy metal bands keeping my head and body still, but I knew there was no use. If they could do it to James, I have no chance.  
The tears streamed down on my cheeks as I wept silently, the patterns hypnotizing me slowly. I was silenced hours before, though I wasn’t sure about time anymore. It felt hopeless, but I still wasn’t ready to let go completely. In some hidden little part of my brain, I still hoped that I will be saved somehow. I didn’t come this far to submit, that wasn’t me, but at the same time I had no way to escape: my limbs were tied separately to a metal cross, my mouth filled with a piece of rubber to bite down on, my eyes taped out, torso fixed with metallic bands. I haven’t seen anything else just the patterns since I got here, not even my father showed his face, he just kept telling me to submit from behind fuelling my resistance further.  
After a while, I started losing time, or at least it felt like it. I felt the program work, I had no way of keep track of when I was conscience and when I was blacking out, it was like my mind was cut short and the same scene would play on a loop in front of me. I tried to keep myself wandering, daydreaming, but after a while, I was too tired to do so.  
I started to lose my mind, I felt my body submitting itself to the torture, my brain buzzing and numbing at the same time. I thought about James, I tried to imagine him fighting, he would want me to fight, so I tried to struggle, just to… admit to myself that I can’t avoid whatever was coming after this. I eventually have to give it up, but at the same time, I knew I won’t give my father the satisfaction of winning. He has to pay, he has to pay for this.

  
Then in one moment it all stopped, the screen went black and the lights shut down, but the patterns still playing on my retinas. Behind them only faded, blurry green hue gave some color to the blackness and I couldn’t help but tap out, my mind went blank in shock and my eyes rolled back into my skull as my mind blacked out over and over.  
I saw lights flashing, but no sound, there was no sound in the room, no one asked what was happening, making me realize I must be in a soundproof room, perfect for hypnotism, of course, separated from everything that could help me escape. The sight before my eyes overwhelmed my brain so much, that I forgot to listen, it even made me think I went deaf for a few minutes in that darkness.

  
And suddenly in silence the walls came crashing down, with rhythmic blunt hits to glass cracking and then shattering around me, sounds of shouting and shooting, battle exploding in seconds, almost deafening after so much separation. And then I saw the blur move, my eyes tried to find focus and found a face.  
It was a man’s face, features I remembered, a voice sounding so vivid I couldn’t forget and eyes, those sad eyes trying to find my gaze, as something touched my face, making me jump in surprise. He broke down one of the restraints with his left freeing my right hand, then another figure moved into my shaking sight. The battle rambled around us as they slowly freed me from the rack. I couldn’t hold myself so one of them got me in their arms as the other carefully removed the cables by whose they fed me and monitored me. When they finally got the clamps off my eyelids my body shut down completely.

 

* * *

 

 

When I woke, I was in a white room. For a split second, I had deja-vu, then remembered the last time I found myself coming to in a room like this after a blackout and every muscle in my body clenched together in the effort to escape. I heard myself grunt and wail as I tried to stand up, only to find I was secured to a medical bed with some heavy leather belts. I struggled for a few seconds before the one on my right wrist gave in and ripped, leaving marks on my skin.  
Before I knew it I felt a numbness sneak up in my spine making me relax immediately, my hand falling back against my chest before I could rip it’s pair on the other side.  
A photocell door opened behind me, barely audible and then I had a woman lean above me, pushing some buttons to raise the bed and me in a sitting position. She was dressed in a white lab coat, but had a Glock on her side, her brown mid length hair covering half her face.  
\- Please stop struggling, Kate, calm down, you are safe now - she started gently. - You are…  
\- Where am I? - I screamed at her, my mind racing nervously while my body refused to cooperate. It must have been some kind of neurotoxin, paralyzing me, hopefully only temporarily, but I felt genuinely scared it was another test from HYDRA.  
\- You are in a medical center, in Wakanda. You were brought here by the group of people who rescued you from a HYDRA facility in Russia - she replied calmly, looking at the monitor near my bed. - Calm down, Kate, your heart rate is impossibly fast.  
\- Fuck my heart rate, why am I tied to this bed, why did you numb me? - I kept asking her, but she kept ignoring me.  
\- Do you remember anything from the last month, Kate? - She took out a vial from the pocket of her lab coat and grabbed an injection needle from the side table.  
\- Yes - I answered immediately. - Of course, I remember… I was…. I was in a horrible place, I was abducted by HYDRA, my father… my father was there, he lied to me, he lied as always and something horrible happened - I tried to remember, but I couldn’t quite grasp any details, I felt the way I felt then, but I just couldn’t summarize it in words.  
\- What happened, Kate? - she asked again sticking the now-filled up injection into the infusion bag connected to my bloodstream.  
\- I… - I started, but the words refused to come out. I had pictures in my head of a dark place, red bricks of a wall, concrete floor, blurry faces. - I… I remember, I just…  
\- It’s okay, relax, look at me, concentrate on my voice - she tried to guide me quietly, but I couldn’t, my head hurt and when I shut my eyes I saw patterns moving on the inside of my eyelids, hunting me. - , Kate, listen to me. It will be so much easier if you just...  
\- I can’t, I don’t want to stay here, let me go - I pleaded, but she acted like she didn’t hear me. She seemed nervous, I saw the way her gaze jumped around, trying to find some kind of solution, the way her hand twitched in need to grab onto something to make stop yelling until finally, she gathered herself enough to speak again.  
\- You have gone through a lot, Kate. You need rest, you need to sleep - she pushed some buttons again and the machine released some air and a few short beeps before I fell back into a dreamless sleep.

  
It started to seem like like my life consisted of a series of 10 minutes alive in between blackouts.

 

* * *

  

When I woke once again I was in yet another hospital room, now in one that had a wall of windows looking straight into a jungle. I wasn’t sure if it was a very attractive picture projected on large screens or it was real. It seemed so bright, so… vivid after the days I spent in… there, wherever it was, but I was in Wakanda after all, it could have been real. However, I didn’t have much time to wonder if I was still in a simulated reality or not, because as I moved my head to look around I heard my name.  
\- Kate? - came the voice from the far-end corner of the room, making me jump a little as I turned towards it. Two men sat side by side in two identical chairs put straight against the wall. They both stood as I tried to sit up with moderate success.

  
\- How are you feeling? - the blonde one asked. I couldn’t look at him as I replied.  
\- I’m not sure - came my voice, sounding almost alien in the silence of the room.  
\- Do you remember… us? - asked the other. I was even more cautious with him, my eyes only lifted to the line of his shoulders staring right at the point where the red star used to be on his metal arm.  
\- Yes.  
\- Who am I then? - he demanded in a strained voice again and I was afraid he will grab me and shake me by the shoulders if I don’t answer at once.  
\- James Buchanan Barnes - I said dryly. - The former Winter Soldier, Bucky? James? - I kept listing his aliases, mortified. I felt ashamed. I felt confused and ashamed about what happened to me. I made a mess, again and he was angry with me because of it. It all started to come back now, the lie my father told me, the hits I had to stand and that room… those patterns, I still saw them every time I blinked. - You are… you are both my… - I stuttered and he didn’t need to hear the end, he just turned and left.  
\- Buck! - Steve tried to stop him, but I reached for his hand, silencing him. I saw the motion that he turned back to me with, and I felt his eyes search my face for some kind of emotion, a flinch or just a twitch, eye-contact.  
\- Let him go, he will come back - I spoke again, my voice still raspy from all the crying and screaming. He seemed to relax a bit and sat down on the side of my bed.  
\- How are you? - he asked again.  
\- I’m not good, Steve - I finally looked at his face, his name rolling off my tongue like a rock that was crushing me. I remembered when I saw his face last. On the floor, after I shot him from behind. I felt the tears stream down on my cheek and tried to wipe them away immediately - But I’ll be fine. -, if only he’d let me. - I’ll be fine, I promise.  
\- Let them fall - he whispered, shaking slightly as he held both my hands between his. He fell silent for a few seconds, even a minute or so before he could speak again. - It’s all my fault, I left you alone, I failed you, Kate…  
\- Stop it - I cut him off on my sternest voice possible. - You were outnumbered, I’m sure. You had no chance against them if they went through what you saved me from.  
\- I should never have left you alone in public - he insisted.  
\- I went into their games willingly, if someone is to be blamed for what they did to me, it’s me - I said quietly, staring at our intertwined fingers. - I was naive, I thought the only way to get out of there is through. My father… he knows me too well, I should have known he was lying all along.  
\- Your father? Your father got you kidnapped? - he asked shocked by the revelation and I swear I saw the purest anger manifest on his beautiful face for a split second.  
\- It doesn’t matter who it was.  
\- It does matter! - his voice rumbled and echoed in the spacious room as he stood. - He got you tortured, drugged, he wanted to brainwash you, Kate! He almost succeeded! - he snapped at me and now I knew he wasn’t only shaking from guilt, he was angry, so angry.  
\- I let him! - I raised my voice now, my frustration lapping the walls of my already weakening self-control. I couldn’t look at him without seeing him dead at my feet.  
Silence froze the air between us now and I wasn’t about to break the ice, I lay back and turned away, towards the window, gazing outside into the green of the jungle. I had the patterns play in overlay above the pretty picture and I felt like I was going insane.  
\- They had me kill you - I finally said it out loud and I felt him turn back to me again, interested, shocked maybe. - It was my final test. To kill you.  
\- You were brainwashed, it was an illusion, it wasn’t you - he tried to make excuses for me, but I was having none of it, I continued on, ignoring him.  
\- I don’t know how they knew it, but they did. They knew I would hesitate, that I would expect you to come and save me and for a second I believed it, I thought it was you - the tears started to fall again. - It was your shield that saved me.  
\- What?  
\- Where is the shield, Steve? - I looked him in the eye, hoping he will tell me exactly what I want to hear. I needed him to be who I thought he was this time.  
\- You know that I don’t have it anymore - he furrowed his eyebrows, confused.  
\- I know, but you never told me where it is - I tried again.  
\- I gave it back to Stark - he gave in after staring at me, confused for a few seconds. - He told me that I am a hypocrite for using it when who I’m protecting with it killed the man who I got it from. So I told him to keep it - he shrugged. - I was angry and tired and just dropped it - he explained. - Why is this important now?  
I took a moment more to study his face. He was real, a projection’s answer wouldn’t be so detailed, not to mention that until now just him, Stark and Bucky knew about what happened in Siberia and to the shield. No way HYDRA had an answer prepared for this question.  
\- Now I know that I don’t have to kill you again because you are real, Steve - I finally said, trying not to choke on the words. - In there… at the test, whatever it was that wore your face had the shield in hand, I noticed it and I knew you didn’t have it since I know you; we always trained to get you better in defending the places that you protected with the shield before. You understand me?  
\- I do, you are testing me, like when you asked Bucky about your mother - he realized.  
\- Exactly - I nodded.  
He turned away for a bit, trying to process what I just said and I let him. It was a lot. It was almost too much even.

  
\- How did you kill me? - he suddenly asked, curious. I thought about denying him the answer, but then again… there was no use in lying to him about it.  
\- Let you take the lead, shot you from behind. No blood from the wound, ergo, not real, but I was still pretty shaken as you can imagine. I don’t ever want to see you like that, Steve - I averted my gaze and he let me.  
Silence, again. Minutes pass as I let him watch me.  
\- How long have I been gone? - I ask, trying to keep the conversation going, not that it mattered, but… I just needed to hear him talk. His voice soothes me, distracts me from remembering, from seeing the patterns swim into view again.  
\- Seventeen days - he says matter-of-factly.  
\- How much time passed since you rescued me?  
\- 52 hours - he replies without even peering on his watch. It was time to ask the real questions.  
\- Were you injured when they got me?  
\- No.  
\- How did he take it?  
\- Bucky? What do you think? - he chuckles dryly. - He was out of his mind, he still is. He feared the worst from the moment I told him you were… gone. He knew I wasn’t joking and… he just snapped… beat me up real bad, but I didn’t stop him, I felt like I deserved it; I did - his voice wavered. - He felt useless in the search for you, but he made up for it on the rescue mission in dead bodies - he pauses and looks me in the eye. - He almost lost his mind over you, Kate, he was a wreck - Steve says bitterly. - In the first few days he didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep, he wouldn’t even talk to me, he just sat in his room and stared at the wall, but when he finally came to… he wasn’t quite himself anymore, he just switched into the Soldier, his mission, getting you back was the only thing driving him.  
\- Tell me he is not that machine again - I pleaded. I knew this would happen, but no amount of certitude could have prepared me for the guilt I was feeling in the pit of my stomach. A not so unfamiliar feeling. - Tell me he’s fine now.  
\- Once you get back on your feet, he will be fine too - he nodded smiling encouragingly, but I knew it was just a polite way to say that he was still at a very bad place. - We talked while you were gone, Kate, when we finally knew where you were held, on our way, he finally opened up, talked to me; the possibility of losing you put everything in perspective for the both of us - he said gently now, the shadow on his face from the story I just told him gone, leaving us with the mutual need of comfort and even if just temporarily, closure.

  
\- Does this mean that you will you lay with me a little if I ask you to? - I looked at his handsome face. I tried to concentrate on the warm blue of his eyes, the small spots in his perfect irises, the big eyelashes fluttering shut as he blinked and the line of his beard framing his sharp features, the way his lips, his oh so kissable lips formed the word “yes” slowly as he moved closer, descending on the side of my bed, that dipped noticeably under his weight. His body radiated the familiar heat that made me feel right at home and no thought of the past or guilt for my loved ones could have stopped me from enjoying his proximity as he embraced me and put his arms around me. He snuggled his nose into my hair on top of my head, inhaling my scent, trembling a little in his whole as he did so, his raising chest pushing against me, crushing me just the right amount.  
\- I’m never letting you out of my sight ever again, Kate - he said quietly just before I started to doze off surrounded by my old-new home, filled with the scent of soap, the heat of his body and the sound of his breath lulling me.

  
I couldn’t sleep, after all, I just nestled against Steve’s slowly rising and falling chest to listen to his breathing for minutes that seemed like hours as he dreamt.  
Sometimes he squeezed me a little bit stronger when he wanted to turn on his other side, but he couldn’t. He murmured my name a few times, I caught a few words he intended for James too, but it was fine. He must have been exhausted just like I was, but every time I tried to close my eyes I saw the patterns playing in the dark, scaring me still. I knew I can’t be hurt now, but the whole experience was still very raw for me, I needed time to swallow it bit by bit.

  
I didn’t hear the door open and close as James entered, I just felt someone touch my back from behind making me jump and yelp. Steve’s eyes popped open, but when we both saw James stand at the window, he relaxed falling back against the pillows as I told him it’s okay.  
I moved to sit on the other side of the bed, my feet dangling well above the floor as I faced James.  
He looked bad. He was visibly tired and in his I eyes I saw the spark of all the pent-up anger dancing, ready to burst into a fire, his lips pressed into a hard line from frustration and his posture tense, almost mechanical. He looked exactly like the Winter Soldier when I first met him: dark, dangerous and daunting. He was painfully close to exploding.  
I hopped off the bed and reached for his hand, but he pulled away, almost resentfully. I pulled back and turned away.  
\- Let’s go outside - I whisper to him putting on the slippers placed by the bed, heading towards the door and he follows without a word. The way he acts truly scares me.  
He tags along but he isn’t really present, I see that same emptiness of the Soldier but I’m trying to convince myself it’s only my imagination painting him in a darker color than he actually is.  
\- Sit with me – I say, my muscles still too sore to go a distance from the room. I sat on one of the white plastic chairs in front of a vending machine. The corridor looks like any hospital in the US. I couldn’t tell the difference if they haven’t already told me we were in Wakanda. I wondered if T’Challa was the one hiding us once again. – Do you want to talk? – I ask looking up at him. He refuses to the take the seat next to me.  
\- I’m not sure – he says the familiar words with irony. – Do you?  
\- I would – I suppose, but he doesn’t take the clue. He stares at the reflecting glass window of the machine buzzing I front of us. I watch his reflection patiently. I don’t want to act like nothing happened, but I just can’t bring myself to lay it all on him like I did with Steve. Steve was different, he found peace in the truth, James just found new purpose in it, a new thing to channel his anger towards, to fall back into old patterns and if anyone, I knew how he got when he did that.  
\- You asked me to go with you to the library – he broke the silence suddenly, his voice changed now. He took a deep, shaking breath. – If only I would have been there… - he uttered burying his face in his open palms. His shoulders trembled and his breaths came as short, breathless pants and it took me a minute to realize that he was crying.  
The strongest man I knew was standing by my side and cried for the first time in the longest time. I haven’t seen him cry since Budapest and it really struck a nerve with me, I stood up and wrapped my arms around his tall body the best of my abilities and let him cry, let him pull me close, to hold me tightly against his chest and just cry into my hair, the crook of my neck. I felt his tears stream down his face, dropping to my collarbones wetting the hospital gown I was wearing.  
\- I’m so sorry, love, I… I’m so sorry – he kept saying and I just pulled him closer trying to hide away my own tears streaming down my cheeks.  
\- It’s okay, James – I whispered to him, stroking his long hair, his hard back as he silently trembled in my embrace. - Please, stop it, please – I pleaded and as we parted a little I was able to finally look at him for more than 3 seconds, I studied his face while I wiped away the last drops of his sorrow and guilt with my shaking fingers. – I love you and it kills me to see you like this – I tried to calm him, get him to take a deep breath.  
\- I messed up so bad. I blamed Steve, but… - he gulped. – in reality, I’m the one who left you vulnerable for this. I should have known that HYDRA will look for us, I just… I was so wrapped up in finding Steve and having you back, finally have a chance at healing, that I forgot why we had to hide in the first place, that HYDRA is an unyielding and undying enemy. I should have been much more prepared, but even when you needed me I was useless.  
\- You saved me - I breathe, cupping his cheeks with both hands.  
\- Well, it wasn’t because of me, it was all Widow and Steve, they know… they know how to use this stuff, I only know how to… kill and destroy and follow orders!  
\- That’s why we work in teams and not alone – I kissed his face gently tasting the saltiness of his drying tears. – Natasha is great in research, but no one knows how HYDRA works and fights better than you. Not even Steve. Steve has an advantage, he was socialized as part of a very advanced team, with Tony Stark and all this technology around him. You and me, we were hiding, you had no chance to get to know this world yet and it’s okay. You saved me, you saved me from becoming something that would have destroyed my life. It wouldn’t have been me anymore – my voice dropped as I swallowed hard before I could speak again. – I was so close to giving in, James… it scares me even to think about it. I was about to submit because I had no way to get out of the trap I set myself. I still see that hypnotic animation running in front of me every single time I’m not actively concentrating on something else. I was inches from becoming a soldier of HYDRA, I could have become the next Winter Soldier, you understand what I’m saying? – I looked at him as he ran his fingers through his hair nervously.  
\- There may be more of us out there, right? – he looked at me, going silent for a few seconds. – I thought Zemo killed the last of my kind in Siberia.  
\- He may have, but HYDRA… If one head is cut down there’s 3 more standing in its place, they have the tech to make more, to train more in a matter of short weeks, James, it’s possible that they have an army out there, an army of soldiers waiting to be activated. We have to stop them – I concluded my speech.

  
It was clear to me that I needed to distract myself if I wanted to get over the trauma, even if it meant ignoring it completely. I needed purpose and I found it, I had something to fight.

  
Without even noticing, I was about to fall into the pattern that I wanted James to avoid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Thank you for making it so far! Leave me a comment or kudos if you liked it or even if you didn't!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This is a story still in process, I want to keep improving and rewriting it from the title to the last letter, so I am also looking for a beta reader or more like an alpha reader with whom I can work together on plot holes, characterization, grammar and anything else. So if you read the story and would like to help make it better, please write a comment or something.
> 
> Also any kind of commentary is most welcome! :)


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